"To Love Is"- Day 5

...to learn to meet each child where they are at so that their needs are met but you don't go crazy, even when you feel like you might. To go to work to support them while feeling you should be home taking better care of housekeeping & errands. To find interest in topics that engage them in what they want to talk about, and having more than surface level interest, as they know. To accept that two hours can be better than a week sometimes. To find a way to say "yes" as often as possible, in a way that makes their lives easier, not spoiled. To feel satisfaction from serving a home cooked meal, not a fancy one, knowing all they see is you took care of them. It is being there, being present, being open, putting them first  every chance you can. To be a mom is to love. xxooxxoo

                                                     

"Look Up"- Day 4

Three people that I admire for different reasons are literally fighting for their lives because of blood cancer. I watch them walk through this world every day, still working, going to school, doing every day things, all the while knowing their life hangs in the hands of chemicals & doctors & a lot of luck because cancer is so vicious. i look up to them and to those close to them who I know are terrified but do the same thing they do. What else can you do? Two are getting ready to undergo some hardcore treatment, & it is a helpless feeling  to know you can do nothing, for me it is striking the balance between taking things off their plate while making them feel useful & use their strength to put focus where it belongs. I'm grateful that these two allow that, there's no awkward tiptoe around & not talk about it, we are straight up you do/I'm doing/just handle it. I know it has been humbling all around.

"Whisper"- Day 3

A whisper in the morning...that moment you round the bend & the fog has magically & suddenly lifted...

                                        

"Lush"- Day 2

My parents have created what can only be called a lush family oasis. There is nothing they like more than when we can all gather. As a mom I understand it more now, because it is so hard for "us 8" to find common time. It is in no way an "I don't love you" on the part of me when I don't come or on my own children when they don't. Life doesn't afford us as many opportunities as it should. Needing the weekend to rest vs. play just doesn't seem right. It is things like this that have me rethinking what I do every day. The mental exhaustion. The lack of flexibility. The feeling I'm trapped for 8  more years because of pensions etc. That reason alone is why I don't want my own daughter to become a public school teacher. Summers off? Not so much, hard to afford that. Even if I could, what about the mid-year long weekend off when the rest of the world isn't traveling, or a week when airfare is better? Nope, not without a guilt trip & "payback." Some day I hope to retire & have time to create my own lush oasis for my family, & I hope they don't over plan their lives & work in a trapped job where they can't visit more often. Mine are 30 mins away & I struggle because the kids are all busy & usually on the weekends I'm exhausted. It is getting to be time to make some definite changes before I miss it all.

Month 9- Day 1- "Fluid"

                                                               

One thing for certain about cancer is the fluidity of worry- is the treatment working? Will it all come back? How much will this cost out of pocket before we are finished? What happens when he is too old to be on his parents' insurance but is still in college because it was delayed from the cancer? He has come so far, but there is so much further to go- this will never end for him. It will be like the oceans of the world, surrounding him with darkness and fear in it's depths, but him taking each wave as it crashes, each riptide when he gets caught, and enjoying the beauty when he can. But, cancer is as fluid as the ocean, we cannot stop it or tame it, the best we can hope for is to make it safe and never leave him stranded alone on the shore or in the dark depths.                                
 

Day 31- "Embrace"

While he is gone this week I hope he won't forget me and how it feels when we embrace, that trust continues to grow, that I am enough...not because he has to for the family, because he doesn't, but because he wants just me. He doesn't realize how much I doubt because he won't say it because he doesn't say those things, he thinks they are implied, but history tells a different story. Three years may be ages ago to him but yesterday to me. He doesn't get that 1-2 compliments on how I look/year isn't enough, that he's never said he thinks I'm beautiful or pretty, that I know he loves me but not why (says he knows and that's what matters)- I'm supposed to know by how he treats me daily, which is kind, gracious & like his best friend, always kissing me goodbye. He grew up in a home where you don't talk like that. He sweetly sends "songs of the day" often, but if he feels these things I want to hear it from him, not a song. Sometimes I wonder if in the end that will be enough. Until then I am left to analyze every embrace & hope.

Day 30- "Steam Rising"

Love a man who isn't afraid of grilling in the rain...the steam rising from the grill up to my bedroom window, luring me down for burgers!