Day 5- "What Haunts You"

He knows, and he's the only one who needs to, and as long as he's compassionate when I get spooked we will be ok.

Day 30- "Flame"

He is a challenge but I get to keep him...

                                                         

Cyclical- Day 3

Relationships. They can go through their good times, their bad times, their really good times, their really bad times. Then there are those times that for whatever reason you fall more in love with each other, and it is obvious. No explanation one can think of, one probably feeds off of the other, and maybe there is an explanation but one is too closed off to verbally express why, he (we will call it "he" haha) shows it in every way he can. You are left hoping it is sincere, hoping it isn't a cover or redemption for  a wrong you don't know about, hoping it will be a cycle that will forever be a part of growing old together, where you accept each others' aging, physical, mental and emotional changes, and challenges from children to work to life. I don't know why he is there right now, but I know what I hope.

"Over and Over"- Day 28

He. Never. Gets. Old.

Kissing him over and over is what makes it better and better.

Probably TMI but whatever...

"Shivering"- Day 24

Me. Year round. Always with an old bed comforter on when lying around the house. Usually his feet are on it when he is in our "green chair" & I have to make him lift them to get it. This weeknd he asked me to come sit with him& had already moved it to "my" spot. Small but very sweet gesture that he was paying attention & sincere. The stupid things that can make your day...

"Wind Down"- Day 7

One of my favorite things about him is that we can do nothing at all & be so content. I adore him & when I'm mentally and physically worn down time winding down to nothing more than extreme sleep is heaven. I sometimes wonder how people do it when they've been with someone for so long & they pass away, I got him so late in life and want 40-50 years together. He is my serenity who has made sure I have no reason to doubt that I'm his too. xo

Day 31- "Embrace"

While he is gone this week I hope he won't forget me and how it feels when we embrace, that trust continues to grow, that I am enough...not because he has to for the family, because he doesn't, but because he wants just me. He doesn't realize how much I doubt because he won't say it because he doesn't say those things, he thinks they are implied, but history tells a different story. Three years may be ages ago to him but yesterday to me. He doesn't get that 1-2 compliments on how I look/year isn't enough, that he's never said he thinks I'm beautiful or pretty, that I know he loves me but not why (says he knows and that's what matters)- I'm supposed to know by how he treats me daily, which is kind, gracious & like his best friend, always kissing me goodbye. He grew up in a home where you don't talk like that. He sweetly sends "songs of the day" often, but if he feels these things I want to hear it from him, not a song. Sometimes I wonder if in the end that will be enough. Until then I am left to analyze every embrace & hope.

"Thunderstorm"- Day 28

It was the perfect storm. Beautiful weather, slow day at work, very fast motorcycle. Mountains, back roads, little traffic. Until that turn with the blind entrance. & that pickup truck. That no one was hurt badly& he walked away with just some bloody fingers and legs-  & that was through gloves & Kevlar jeans- is a miracle, considering where his head hit the truck. Not my kind of perfect storm, but so grateful he will still be with me on many stormy nights to come.

Restive- Day 27

Literally chillin doing nothing after we came inside due to heavy rain, up at the Calico Cat B&B near Brockville, ON; have a little room right on the St. Lawrence River. Phenomenal as it was, I just looked up at the right time and JUMPED- of course my phone and camera were in the car, thankfully he threw his ipad my way (turned on and cued because I don't know how to use it) and I was literally jumping up and down, snapping as fast as I could...Restive to say the least for a hot 30 seconds. Now I just need pizza! So blessed xoxoxoxo.

"Collected"- Day 19

After collecting all of the photos and research for my one credit course toward re-certification I finally was able to complete the paper-so happy! So grateful to "him" for working some of the sites into our motorcycle rides...he isn't known for romance and giving attention, but things like that show he cares and is thoughtful and appreciates my effort toward this work. The 19 pages were submitted this morning! 

Friday's ride out to the St. Mary's Covered Bridge in PA completed my four visits to places on the historical registry. I would take the course again if I could, as I still need 5 more credits and that was more fun than the 2 credit course I will be doing later this month.

"Illusion"- Day 13

Love this picture I took at the beach, gives the illusion he is magical and floating the ball! Love him.

My Cup...Day 30

Halfway through this year's posts!

My cup...as usual in the evening, is full of wine...can't help it!  Working on a paper for a class, but distracted remembering a great night last night was, we who usually go up to bed at 8:30 or 9 and lay and talk sat on the newly refurbished deck until 10 just talking, listening to music, enjoying the ambiance...and a constantly running over cup of wine...a good start to the week!

"Come Together"- Day 25

So excited for the way our road trip is coming together.  I have to admit I do not know how people arranged travel back in the day...when you had to call everywhere, order brochures, show up and take chances, couldn't use Trip Advisor and other review sites! Checking flight prices and rental car prices vs. driving and your time; comparing hotels and prioritizing attractions...keeping a list in One Note and transferring to Word to email... At the same time, I think it causes me to obsess too much because I look up each little thing and cross compare sites and options!  But...it is all coming together, just one more round to plan!

Day 19- "Bright"

I hope I am bright enough at this point in my life...

"Relations"- Day 15

I am keeping it simple with a "Happy Father's Day" to both my dad and to the stepfather of my children, and a "Happy 50th " to my guy too!  Love you both!

Another less original thought...I thought of two things actually...one is that I will try to breathe this week knowing my daughter and her friends are alone in Ocean City for Senior Week...I just know how I was at that age and the kids live so much faster these days.  It will be mentally a long week for me, while I simultaneously prepare for the party for 100 or so people upon her safe return next weekend.

My other thought was the Faith Hill song, "Breathe."  Yesterday marked the 5 year anniversary of when "we" met.  We have had some rough times, earlier than a couple should have, and could have given up, but instead chose to work harder and focus on what mattered in our hearts.  He is worth the fight and I hope he sees me always as worth the effort.   There have been times of anxiety when I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't breathe, but I believe all of that is over now, as most of our time is spent laughing, loving and living.  Living is a challenge when he has a very sick child, but he gets up every day and does it, and I know it is hard for him- that never leaves his mind.  Sometimes I wonder if he has ever been a part of a friendship and commitment this strong, as every kind of love is different. I am more excited than ever now to wake up with him and come home with him- he is my heart, my peace, and my love.  With all of my heart I love him like this...

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And I've never been this swept away

All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart

And I can feel you breathe, it's watching over me
And suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
And baby, all we need is just to be

Caught up in the touch, slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way
That love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe, just breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than I've ever felt before and I know
And you know there's no need for words right now

As I can feel you breathe, it's watching over me
And suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be

Caught up in the touch, slow and steady rush
And baby, isn't that the way
That love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe, just breathe

Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush
And baby, isn't that the way
That love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe, just breathe

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way

Songwriters
BENTLEY, STEPHANIE KAY / LAMAR, MARY HOLLADAY

Faith Hill "Breathe" video

"Dare to Hope"- Day 13

Embarking on an overnight tomorrow that I will just say has been less than easy for me to try...sometimes things happen beyond our control and the memories/associations with certain places become overwhelming, they turn into dark places you never want to see in any way.  I'm finally ready for this one, and I hope he is too, and that the only memories left the next day will be of he and I and the fun we had...sometimes I feel I love him too much. I am not sure who needs to be stronger to go here, but I hope it is him, & that he is ready not because of compartmentalization or mind erasing or pretending mentally certain times didn't exist, but because he loves me and wants to go forward anywhere and everywhere in life, without looking back, and with just me.  I think he is.  

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Month 4, Day 5~ "Hello, Morning"

In the morning when the sun is just starting to light the day I am awakened     and my first thoughts are of you!
At night I stare at the dark trees  silhouetted against the quiet stars I am entranced into a complete peacefulness  and my last thoughts are of you
by Susan Polis Schutz
Best part of the weekend already here...he is home after what felt like an eternity.  The strength and willpower of military wives and husbands and those who have lost their spouse/significant other is incredible, because I have no place in this world to complain.  But, I am grateful each day I am home with him and I know how lucky we are.

Day 12- "Write a Letter"

He's not good with words when it comes to emotions & I've never gotten a card in 4.5 years...but we've sent each other "songs of the day" regularly thru the years. My "letter" to him yesterday (he was out of town so got 3 just because)...

Last Day of Month 2- "Leap..."- Day 28

It makes me think of the leap of faith when I met him.  No one had made me feel that way in ages, if ever.  We decided about 3 1/2 months in that he would move in the next month; the place he was living was being sold and it was that or a year lease somewhere...and I guess we both knew we didn't want to wait a year.  There was a learning curve...sometimes there still is...but I cannot imagine life without him next to me and without these kids as a family.  Sometimes you just have to make a decision, hold onto each other tightly, and take that leap...