"Nothin But Blue Skies"~ Day 11 (yeah I know I am late...)

We were so lucky as kids,, and I cannot deny basically having an idyllic middle class upbringing in the 70s, where blue skies meant out and about on bikes with baskets (of course someone had to have the same one).  Must've been a good year for the Redskins too!  I wish sometimes that I could have raised my children in a single family home so that they could have some things that they couldn't in a townhouse...a swing set, lots of room of their own to run, log piles to turn into stagecoaches.  I guess the good thing is they learned early to get along with others, take turns and be considerate of those around you, especially the littler kids.  It was just a different time even then; the generation out on the playground now is unsupervised (I am talking kids 3 years old with no parent except the occasional yell out the door) who are rude to each other and to other neighbors (you had better watch out if you are unloading groceries and some of them want to come thorough on their bikes...there are three with some manners and a dozen with none); I don't at all understand sending your kids outside at that age unsupervised.  Oh, and it is illegal.  Police have been called but it doesn't change anything.  Next call will be CPS, so that these kids maybe stay safe enough to have their own idyllic childhood with blue skies.

"It Was a Dream"- Day 9

People seem surprised when I tell them I passed my FACS (Family and Consumer Sciences) Praxis...I guess that is not what they see me teaching. People seem surprised I want to go "back to the classroom,"  but I never left the the classroom to get out of the classroom- I left because I loved mentoring teachers and a position was created that sounded fascinating. For a while there I considered administration, and completed the certification, but didn't want it bad enough to pursue any and all openings and in our county that is what is expected; I also am not trying to work 12 hour days.  It never happened for me and that was ok.
For the past four years I kept telling my daughter, "I want to be Mrs. X when I grow up," speaking of her FACS/CD teacher in high school.  The more I read about passion, hope, and engagement I realized I can be that, and went the Praxis route only because I have a Master's and an additional certification, I don't need more degrees to do a great job.  Finding a job, even with some great recommendations, is going to be near impossible because of the fact I am coming from elementary, but it won't stop me from trying.  Teaching Child Development at the high school level has always been a dream,so this year I decided to add the certification, and it would be such a great way to find a change and do something I am passionate about as I finish out my career.  At the high school level there aren't many FACS positions open, as many are moving toward more STEM related courses.  I agree and disagree- I think we have so many kids growing up in households that lack someone teaching them all of the basic skills for cooking, caring for others and themselves, managing money...I am just not sure how that will work out.  Maybe we will have a STEM successful generation that eats out and has housekeepers and accountants.  Doesn't mean I won't keep pursuing it, there are a few left out there.

Month 4, Day 5~ "Hello, Morning"

In the morning when the sun is just starting to light the day I am awakened     and my first thoughts are of you!
At night I stare at the dark trees  silhouetted against the quiet stars I am entranced into a complete peacefulness  and my last thoughts are of you
by Susan Polis Schutz
Best part of the weekend already here...he is home after what felt like an eternity.  The strength and willpower of military wives and husbands and those who have lost their spouse/significant other is incredible, because I have no place in this world to complain.  But, I am grateful each day I am home with him and I know how lucky we are.

Day 2..."Whisper"

“I may not be a horse whisperer, but I certainly can and do shout at unicorns.” 
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

I wasn't sure where to start with today's prompt, so I tried a search with the words "whisper quote" and found multiple ones from this guy...most are funny, not for the conservatives.  This made me think of myself and my approach at life and work...I know sometimes when those unicorns come at me I shout and do not stutter...but I love the unicorns who dare to be different.  If that pointy cone thing on their head only came with a button so you could turn the amount of unicorn vs. horse up and down as needed...there definitely comes a time in your life when you realize it is better to at least wear a hat over it today.  Peace!

Day 1- Month 4 ~"Spread Your Wings"

I believe its time for me to fly...

"Makes You Smile"- Day 28

I'm definitely the kind of girl who laughs at a funeral...can't understand?  Well you soon will...I don't mean to laugh at the wrong times.  Or at the inappropriate.  & I wish so often I could say what I am thinking out loud...like these...

And, I love the crocs...they have always cracked me up and my son was too young to be looking at the book I had but he got the humor, which was so funny, so we used to read one or two together before bedtime and just laugh at the crocs and their antics.

"Plans and Projects"- Day 21

It is a real treat for the 8 of us to be together; it happens once in a while for dinner or an afternoon.  It has happened for vacation once, as one child wasn't permitted to spend the night with us until he was 18 and could make his own choices.  That trip was super special for all and gave kids that are siblings and step siblings a chance to bond, and gave a father a chance to have all of his kids for a week.  Three other trips we have had 7 of us, once due to the "under 18" rule, once someone had other plans and once, well...leukemia. This year we had the all clear to go to FL for a week from the doctors at Johns Hopkins.  Plans included being within an hour of a good medical facility and referrals to doctors with all necessary information in hand should we need it.  However, we didn't plan to need it, things were looking up.  Four weeks ago our leukemia child ended up in the ER- and back in for an overnight for a transfusion.  A week later, same thing.  We had gotten an unofficial diagnosis about why, but then his marrow started producing it's own red cells again, slowly but surely.  This scare made our decision to stay semi local- DE beaches, so we are several hours from his hospital, if for some reason he can't come the whole time he can get there for part of the time, and he and dad are especially more relaxed about it.  Now, it can take hours to search for a place with 7 beds (they don't want to share, understandable), a pool table (need something to do for when he especially can't be outside), near the beach, and with a pool.  After much searching we (ok, I) found it...the other kids, while they would love to go to FL, are all being very gracious and say all they care is we all get to go somewhere together (though when I asked if that meant we could do Niagara Falls area I got 6 no, we want the beach...I tried).  It isn't easy to get kids that are 12-15-17-18-20 & 23 (that will be ages this summer) all in one place at one time, so this is exciting.  Hoping for no medical problems to hold him back, and that he and dad in particular can have a relaxing week and time together; I cannot make up for the time they've lost due to his mother's restrictions, but I can try to provide opportunities for memories and fun times.  Maybe he will even just get to be 20 for a week if he is feeling good.  

One good thing is they save us money by being happy to eat in (that way they don't have to come in and get all freshened up by any particular time), and I am  happy to cook.  Makes my Pinterest browsing time more credible ;).  Then, I make a One Note section for the trip, with a page for all information on the home/payments (I use VRBO all of the time and have had a lot of luck), one for meal plans for dinner (what will go with what- plan for 6 and pizza on the 7th), pre-thinking the quick and easy for day one when we get down a little later, one for recipes (copy and paste from Pinterest board), and one for grocery list and bring from home list (I may have issues, because I have admittedly made baggies of herbs/spices etc, labeled, and brought on planes to avoid buying whole containers of things I need 2t. of).  It works for us.  They all basically get to have a great week and I am ok with basically setting up breakfast and lunch and cooking, and I feel they are grateful.  They help when asked (we pondered since there are six of them putting them each in charge of a night of meal planning and prep, just tell us what to buy or we will give you the money to buy, but something between the potential control freak in me and the fear I will eat Kraft Mac & Cheese at least twice & steak & expensive food another two had us thinking maybe not).  

We try not to be overly excited at this point because so much can happen before we go (July), and we know leukemia may get in the way, but I choose to plan looking forward and not talk about it much to dad, who doesn't want to get too excited until we are there and it is happening, which is understandable.  Chemo is expected to go up soon and that always kicks his arse for a bit...but that is life with a child with leukemia.  It is a fine balance to plan for life with that and life with six shared kids...but I got the nicest e-mail from him thanking me for making the plans so he could go and to meet his needs, which is the type of thing that makes all the work worthwhile.

As co-parents we definitely have wondered, but not out loud besides once, because it can get upsetting, if the ALL was there during this trip, and if so, how bad?  The official first symptoms came four months later, and the diagnosis 6 months later.  Keep your fingers crossed for this summer :).

Day 20- "Favorite Words"

conundrum.  date night. family. bedtime. thank you. i love you. 

"Full Moon" - Day 16

Tell me what you feel in your room when the full moon is shining in upon you and your lamp is dying out,Tell me what you feel in your room when the full moon is shining in upon you and your lamp is dying out, and I will tell you how old you are, and I shall know if you are happy."

~Henri Frederic Amiel 

Henri Frederic Amiel

"A Sign"- day 15

When I received this text from my daughter it was a sure sign she is a senior & has my sense of humor. Love her!

March Day 14- "Shimmer"

So lucky they shimmer in their own way, every day! <3 them both!

"5 p.m."- Day 13 - March

5 p.m. and I am back where I belong- in his arms...so happy he came home today!  5:46 and I am back out and about to fetch a child...but happy to see him too!  So tired, major insomnia from last night's wind and him being gone and the kids being at their dad's; I am almost never home completely alone.  Looking forward to early bedtime just to crawl into bed and read and lay on him.  Wish I was feeling more creative today...but this is the best I can do...even did the lazy way out of dinner and got pizza, just mentally drained from a week of testing round the clock, so many other things to get done at work, and helping a friend through one of the toughest times of her life while balancing things here because he is living the toughest thing of his life every day.  I really am one of the lucky ones.

Day 12- "Write a Letter"

He's not good with words when it comes to emotions & I've never gotten a card in 4.5 years...but we've sent each other "songs of the day" regularly thru the years. My "letter" to him yesterday (he was out of town so got 3 just because)...

Day 11- "Underneath"

Well I could say I feel buried underneath all of the work that I am not getting done because of state testing, or that I feel buried underneath the burden and time that state testing takes, but then I will end up on a rampage about my true thoughts about teaching, learning and assessing...and I probably shouldn't go there.  So, instead, I will keep it simple here...at the concert on Friday Dana Fuchs introduced this song by talking about how people act all hateful and spiteful and sinful, talking about each other, gossiping, whatever...but on Sunday they come together and put on a smile in church, acting like they are "all that, all the time"~ and how great it could be if we all lived like it was Sunday every day...here are the lyrics and video below...because, underneath it all, don't we all want to be happy?  Don't we all have our own battles?  Shouldn't we greet everyone we see with a smile every day, without judgment, as you don't know what they are dealing with underneath it all?

Dana Fuchs- Livin on Sunday video

LIVING ON SUNDAY

MY SKIN IS SOAKED BY THE RIVER RUSHING THROUGH ME THROAT IS DRY, LIKE A RAZOR STUCK INSIDE YESTERDAY I BEGGED A GOD TO MOVE ME I GOT SO HIGH IT HURTS TO CLOSE MY EYES
AND I WANT MORE THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY BUT I’M NOT SURE HOW TO LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVIN ON SUNDAY – I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE
SURE ENOUGH MORNING LIGHT CAME BLAZING LIKE THE HOLY GHOST MADE ME HIS CHOSEN ONE BUT I GOT UP TO NOTHING SO AMAZING JUST ANOTHER DAY WHEN NOTHING WOULD GET DONE
AND I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY BUT I’M NOT SURE HOW TO LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SUNDAY – I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE
WHAT’S THAT SMILE IN YOUR EYES STARING THROUGH ME IS IT A LIE THAT HURTS MY HEART TO NEED I WONDER WHAT IT WAS THAT USED TO MOVE ME IF I HADN’T LOST MY WAY OH WHERE WOULD I BE
AND I WANT MORE…
OH. I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY BUT I’M NOT SURE NOW THAT I COULD LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SUNDAY I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE

LORD I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY I’M NOT SURE NOW HOW TO LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SUNDAY I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE OH I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE YEAH YEAH I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE LORORE I WANT MORE I WANT MORE

"In the Mirror" - Day 10 of Month 3

An old favorite...

Day 7- "(Self) Discovery"

So many mistakes as I 
Evolved into what I want to become
Living and loving every day for those around me,
Fills me with more serenity than I ever thought possible.

Do I regret the many times
I wasn't the best mother or role model?
Seeking things in all of the wrong places?
Can say that is a definite yes, but I cannot let it define me.
Only can look forward and live in the present, knowing I
Very lucky to have been handed a second chance.
Even more so to have been offered forgiveness along the way.
Really don't know that I deserved it sometimes,
Yet it allowed me to start forgiving myself and living for my family, which allows me to live for me.

Day 4- "laissez les bon temps rouler" & Day 5- "Growing"

friends since they were young

laissez les bon temps rouler

but there when they don't

To know what these kids have gone through, good and bad, and to see how they stick by each other makes me believe it is something that will never change.  

This year we will see the girls graduate and head to college, every time I think I understand the term "bittersweet" it is redefined as my kids grow...this is one of them, I will miss their smiling faces together and just their being right around the corner from each other.

Day 3- Month 3- "Return"

"Return"

driving them around

playing games, family meals

teens who talk with you

So many people don't seem to realize that it is pretty simple, make the effort and you will see the return.  Maybe not every day, but they will be more open and realize you are there, even when you don't want to hear it but need to hear it.  You as the adult hold the power to set the limits and set the expectations and limits, to be accountable to that they know they can come to you.  A little bit of follow through goes a long way with teenagers.  Yes, they can be egocentric and short sighted, but be their coach vs. their ruler or friend and they will amaze you with what they can do.  Learn to offer things so that they make the decision with some coaching, but lay it out as "if/then"- they haven't learned to weigh positive and negative consequences to the degree they think they have. Learn to meet them where they are- they aren't the same child they were five years ago, a year ago, possibly even last month. Invest in them all along and you will get a positive return.

Great NIH Information on the Teenage Brain

March- Day 1- "Verdant"

Yes, I had to start by looking it up; I figured from the "ver" that it had something to do with green, but checked anyway...and found the definition to be a bit ironic and timely in my world...

ver·dant

  [vur-dnt] 

adjective

1.

green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass: a verdant oasis.

2.

of the color green: a verdant lawn.

3.

inexperienced; unsophisticated: verdant college freshmen.

So, here is a photo that emulates all three uses of the word...and it happens to be one of my favorite photos, my only regret is that I didn't have my new lens yet and I am now learning to use it/play with it.  This was shot at Nassau Valley Vineyard near Rehoboth Beach, DE, a very beautiful winery with good wine too (trust me, I bought enough so that no one minded us using their grounds, but I don't think they minded anyway).  I will see if I can find as many opportunities to use this new word this month (see, this 365 thing is increasing my vocabulary!)!

My verdant daughter surrounded by verdant ivy growing up a verdant trellis!

Last Day of Month 2- "Leap..."- Day 28

It makes me think of the leap of faith when I met him.  No one had made me feel that way in ages, if ever.  We decided about 3 1/2 months in that he would move in the next month; the place he was living was being sold and it was that or a year lease somewhere...and I guess we both knew we didn't want to wait a year.  There was a learning curve...sometimes there still is...but I cannot imagine life without him next to me and without these kids as a family.  Sometimes you just have to make a decision, hold onto each other tightly, and take that leap...