Day 2-"Flicker"

Every week I get something like this from my college girl, giving me a flicker of belief that she still needs mom; it also makes me realize things I didn't think I needed to teach her but obviously did.

"Every Heart a Song"- Day 27

I named her for my favorite Van Halen song. Lo and behold she was a crier, so it was fitting, as colic was a huge challenge since her father worked at night. I got lucky...my "go to" musician in life had just released an album of lullabies, but many were rock songs turned to lullabies. Linda Ronstadt was my first concert, my first album, and can't think of something I have been through when a song of hers hasn't been on repeat since I was a child. Now, due to the ugliness of disease, she is left unable to sing and is ailing quickly. If you never had the privilege of hearing the tribute to her at this past year's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony you need to stop and watch and listen, as these talented women represented an icon who couldn't represent herself for her induction. Incredible how one musician can be so much to so many people. This is one of the medleys, but there were some individual acts as well.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Tribute to Linda Ronstadt

"Heartstrings"- Day 8

Going to get a day ahead because I saw the prompt & thought of my girl who just left to go back to her new home at college. It was awesome to see her even though it was short. I'm reminded of that song "I Hope You Dance," I want her to have fun but make smart choices, and see that the world is hers...she definitely tugs at my heartstrings as she hovers between college student and knowing home will always be home.

video- "I Hope You Dance

Day 23- "Dormant"

I am guessing that is where the word "dorm" emanated from many years back, but I am not exactly a Latin expert. Not really a French one either actually, since I used to skip that class and that it a whole other story. Anyway...on the 23rd when I should have written this I was moving my girl in, one of the best days because she spent a few hours with me and was nice the whole time. She was ready for this and I am feeling good about it...for today at least!

"Prelude"- Day 12

She has no idea how much I hope the past three months aren't a prelude to the impending separation & distance between us, & that I've already been missing her. I know they say it is all part of the growing up & breaking free, but it's so bittersweet & just sad that you will most likely never live together more than temporarily- she's just going to be gone, like it never happened. There will be such a hole in my home and heart. 

"Muse"- Day 7

no surprise here. but my other muse is round 3 of life, coming with him in the next ten years...

"Taking Care"- Day 18

The stress of sending a child to college might kill me. I still see little evidence of her taking care of things without reminders, and I am afraid she won't prioritize on her own, realize the amount of effort that will have to go into studying- no blaming the bad teacher or bad test- but accepting it and figuring out if the teacher is bad then how will she learn the material, and if this is the type of test then how am I going to pass it. Love her so much and at this point I feel like she thinks I am the enemy. I think she wants to be gone so bad that she is going to go and I am not going to hear from her much and it literally breaks my heart. I've promised myself I will not bother her, which I pretty much do just by existing at this point (though she isn't bothered when I am spending hundreds on her dorm stuff). Knowing you won't be missed is just a sad feeling and something you have to accept, and that you have become pretty much an inconvenience, and a place to sleep and eat when convenient, even worse. Knowing no matter how you try to meet her where she is it doesn't last, when you have high expectations she thinks you are difficult, when you try to teach what responsibility is as an adult she is furious to be called irresponsible and blames something else and says you don't understand, gets angry and shuts down from you...responsibility at 18 and about to be on your own is far different from at 14, 16, whatever. I miss when I was allowed to help take care of her and she didn't think it means I think she cannot do it. That isn't the case; but, I know her and know that some coaching goes a long way to help her, if she would stop and let me.I don't tell her what to do unless she has had the opportunity to do it and did not on her own. Love her too much sometimes...

"Kitchen Floor"- Day 15

Well let's see...mine was installed by me, and in parts you can tell; I have intent to fix some things/retouch some things, but something always leads me astray. Currently it is the names for the walls of my daughter and her friends for their dorms. I have projects going on for two of her best friends and their roommates, and her and her roommate. Of course that leads to them being on the table, on the floor, brushes at the sink...hopefully will finish them by Saturday and have it cleaned up...but have a list of "what next" already! Have promised myself nothing else "fun" until I finish the underside of the deck and the front rails (not my fault it keeps raining in the afternoons though!). Photos of projects to come when all are finished...

Reflect- Day 22

Really hoping that it doesn't take someone losing their life before
Everyone she hangs out with gets it that life isn't a big party, you can't stay up all night, and 18 isn't 
Freedom for you to do what you want, when you want
Leaving no time for family or rest or reflection
Everything you enjoy, such as freedom, a car, a license, is a privilege that
Can and will be taken away based on choices you make, and I will never apologize for
Taking control for the safety of herself and others, that goes for any of our kids

I miss the child I had a few months ago...

"A List"- Day 14

I am thinking this prompt is meant to spark people on your "A list," but being a teacher with time to do a few things since I have 6 days off before I head back for a few days, I am more about "a list" of things to do...finish scrubbing the deck so I can stain/seal it for the first time in way too many years (and pondering whether I can replace some boards on my own, which I think I can...); painting door and window trim out front- first time in 13.5 years; and scraping rust/painting front stairwell rails for the first time probably ever (I won't count the time I took some leftover spray paint from a project and sprayed over rust stains, and got some on the house, which is still there); and, weeding what used to be a garden ten years ago...still never got around to planting grass so every year it is an enormous weed jungle.  Determined to get to the dump and Goodwill too.  I'd say I am cleaning out whatever is under these couches (old frames and whatnot) but that isn't going to happen...possibility of finally moving the shelf from the bedroom to the basement, but that is one of those jobs that to do it you have to do like three other jobs with it so alas, that probably isn't going to happen either! Number one job- some time with my kids!  Have a date with her to do some college shopping, don't wanna wait til everyone else is doing it (unfortunately by then I am pretty much back at work) and want her to get excited and maybe it will inspire her to behave all summer (I can wish)!  I would love a night on the deck with a fire in the chimnea but alas, this is Maryland, where we go from 40 degrees to 85 degrees and no nights in between for such things, unless you want to roast yourself!

"Soul Full" ~ Day 8

Hope to add pictures later, but without a doubt a day my soul is full...her graduation/18th birthday party.  I have never had to prepare for so many people and I hope I have enough and did it right.  Doing it at a venue other than home when you are doing it yourself is a bit stressful to say the least.  The great part is family is her from North Carolina, and she has family from both sides and both step parents, which is a first and it is nice to see that after all of the turmoil of ten years ago she is where she is and surrounded by these people.  Most of her friends will be there, and while one special one cannot be I am hopeful she will not have time to think about it.  I love my girl like crazy and want it to be perfect for her.  I am also glad my son is simpler and I might be able to get away with a come, have some cookies and a drink, then leave kind of graduation party.  My car looks like it is puking party right now!  I am grateful for the help I will have to set up...I don't know why I fret as I do given I have made a to scale map of the entire venue with set up labeled, diagrams for the food, etc. etc. etc...it is going to be a long but beautiful day (thank goodness it isn't raining since it is in a park!)!

"Cusp"- Day1, Month 6, Still here (though some days slowly but surely...)

To me this is so representative of the "light at the end of the tunnel" of childhood, on the cusp of new adventures and adulthood.  Two will be heading to Towson and one bravely into the US Navy.  Three girls so smart, beautiful, and ready! xoxoxo

Another less original thought...I thought of two things actually...one is that I will try to breathe this week knowing my daughter and her friends are alone in Ocean City for Senior Week...I just know how I was at that age and the kids live so much faster these days.  It will be mentally a long week for me, while I simultaneously prepare for the party for 100 or so people upon her safe return next weekend.

My other thought was the Faith Hill song, "Breathe."  Yesterday marked the 5 year anniversary of when "we" met.  We have had some rough times, earlier than a couple should have, and could have given up, but instead chose to work harder and focus on what mattered in our hearts.  He is worth the fight and I hope he sees me always as worth the effort.   There have been times of anxiety when I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't breathe, but I believe all of that is over now, as most of our time is spent laughing, loving and living.  Living is a challenge when he has a very sick child, but he gets up every day and does it, and I know it is hard for him- that never leaves his mind.  Sometimes I wonder if he has ever been a part of a friendship and commitment this strong, as every kind of love is different. I am more excited than ever now to wake up with him and come home with him- he is my heart, my peace, and my love.  With all of my heart I love him like this...

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And I've never been this swept away

All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear is the beating of your heart

And I can feel you breathe, it's watching over me
And suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
And baby, all we need is just to be

Caught up in the touch, slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way
That love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe, just breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than I've ever felt before and I know
And you know there's no need for words right now

As I can feel you breathe, it's watching over me
And suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be

Caught up in the touch, slow and steady rush
And baby, isn't that the way
That love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe, just breathe

Caught up in the touch, the slow and steady rush
And baby, isn't that the way
That love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe, just breathe

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way

Songwriters
BENTLEY, STEPHANIE KAY / LAMAR, MARY HOLLADAY

Faith Hill "Breathe" video

"Feather Your Nest"~Day 29, and "Disrobed"~ Day 30

When I think of the term "feather your nest" I think of lining it to make it softer, more homey, safer.  It is the kind of home I hope I built for our children, and that I aim to help my daughter build in her new home in just over two months.  She is dealing with so much right now that to me it is all that much more important, worth the time, money and effort and I do think it plays a role in success, as we all spend a lot of time in a particular place we call home.  Of course home will also always be wherever I am, whenever she wants.

Disrobed...it is over and done with, UHS Class of 2014 (or 2K14 as I have also seen it) has graduated...tassels turned and robes hung to be now just a memory (or a Halloween costume)~ love them and wish them all of the best!

"Full of Blessings"- Day 28

Even though it was pretty much a sucky week for many reasons, starting with jaundice that sent his son to the hospital two nights, ending with doing my best to reign in 18 and losing control in the midst of a breakup along with fixing some damage, I really am blessed.  He was gone much of the week, between the hospital and a soccer tournament about 5 hours away, but came home yesterday afternoon.  They say it is good for couples to have time to miss each other, and this time maybe it was true.  I was able to really focus where I needed to and so was he, & I know he was happy to see me (dinner cooking didn't hurt lol).  I spent most of my birthday alone, but I am blessed my daughter is still here, as are all of our children. When we had to talk about tough stuff she talked- no yelling, no crying, just talked. We have one child literally fighting for his life but he is getting the best care possible (I know I can't begin to fathom the fear his father feels every single day).  As much as I don't want to work lately because I have so much to do around the house and for graduation and beach week prep, I am blessed to have a job that I do like most days, a car to get there, and an incredible son to drop off at school on the way.  It has definitely been a challenging week where I have had to remind myself of these things.  Sometimes I want them all to just be grown up and gone, other days I just want them all here in the safety and comfort of our home (that is where I am at right now) and I can't have it, so I do the best I can...I think I just feel like I am living a real life whack-a-mole right now!

"Memory"- Day 20

So very proud of her for organizing Urbana's first "senior-senior" prom last month along with the fundraising recital for Alzheimer's.  The dance this group did told the story of a couple, where the man became the caretaker of the wife as she lost her memory to the disease.  Several couples danced different parts to represent the progression of the relationship and the disease.  Last night I saw it performed one last time at her final recital, and again it brought me to tears.  I sat next to my parents hoping they never go through this, as they have endured almost 51 years married and are going strong. I hope my mother's only tears were those last night as she watched and pondered, and that it is never her reality.

It makes me think about how we measure comprehension too, kind of random here, but if you gave her a multiple choice test about Alzheimer's she would struggle, but representing it through art based on research she flourished, and she won't forget it.  The irony isn't lost...and I hope we can all be this strong if that is the card we are dealt in life.

"Ripples" - day 19

Are our children the ripple effect of many years of love and procreation, a cycle that seemingly never ends?  Yet eventually in all lineages will it?  I already see it happening in some of my extended family, but luckily enough of us go on.  I hope she continues the cycle and the traditions; that is something I love about her is that traditions do matter to her, and I hope the ripple effect keeps going...

"Traditions are the guideposts driven deep in our subconscious minds. The most powerful ones are those we can't even describe, aren't even aware of."

Ellen Goodman

"Roar" - Day 16, month 5

So, today is my first born's 18th birthday, what a range of emotions it brings!

This song by Katy Perry reminds me of her as she succeeds and does her thing, I am so proud of her and I know she has so much to give the world, and I have truly been one of the lucky moms with her!  It hasn't been easy to learn to step back, but I have so much faith in her and all she will do and be...I LOVE YOU JLC!

"I got the eye of the tiger, the fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar!"

Only fitting she will be a Towson Tiger in a few weeks!

"Hello/Goodbye"...Day 3

Clearly I am struggling with the whole graduation thing, it is so bittersweet.  Heard an old school song this week, "Graduation," by Vitamin C...this line struck me as how I need to see it (and on good days, I do :))- "I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye~Keep on thinking it's a time to fly..."~enjoy the video!

  (and I cannot figure out how to get this stupid background text highlighter unhighlighted when I accidentally land on it grrrrrr!)

                             "Graduation" by Vitamin C, circa 1999

"May Day"~ Month 5 Day 1

OHHHHHH the countdown has begun here...13 days of school left for her.  15 days until she turns 18.  28 days until graduation...