Day 22- "Before Eternity"

I want my children to have loved and been loved. To have experienced the joy of holding your own child. To have found success in whatever they want to do, not just contentment in something that works. I want them to find a reason to laugh every day, and to be kind in all  that they do. I want them to never know hunger or great need but to understand their role in getting to where they want to be. I want them to fully grasp the importance of heritage and generations of extended family. I want them to respect themselves and their bodies, and everyone they meet. I want them to learn from their mistakes and help others when they make mistakes. I want them to know what is real, and what is made to look real. I want them to make their own real lives, true to themselves.

...figured I might as well get a day ahead...

"Crumple"- Day 21

Children should be able to trust their parents above all others.

Reality is that  is often not the case and it is not

Until tragedy occurs that we realize that 

Mom or dad is the enemy, hiding right there in plain sight.

Parents with problems- psychological, physical, economical, the list goes on,

Leaving us to ask ourselves as a society how could we allow children to 

Ever be at the heart of a search that started in the hands of their mother?

The other day I passed two teams on the side of a major highway, searching for these children in the brush and in a storm runoff pond. My heart literally crumpled & it literally took my breath away. I can't fathom how that family is feeling. At the same time it is hard not to be cognizant of the fact the mother is someone's daughter, who turned out to suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. How devastating do you think that diagnosis was, and what did they go through to get there? Where is  the fine line between someone is being treated and they can be relied on to take medication and raise children, and becoming judge and jury and deciding she cannot be alone with her children?How do we know whether she is playing the police as people accuse? Is she even capable in this mindset? Or does she know exactly what she did? Sadly it is a case that will most likely always have more questions than answers. How many more Jacob and Sarah's will have to know the love and pain of a mother who can't control that she can't be trusted?

"A List"- Day 14

I am thinking this prompt is meant to spark people on your "A list," but being a teacher with time to do a few things since I have 6 days off before I head back for a few days, I am more about "a list" of things to do...finish scrubbing the deck so I can stain/seal it for the first time in way too many years (and pondering whether I can replace some boards on my own, which I think I can...); painting door and window trim out front- first time in 13.5 years; and scraping rust/painting front stairwell rails for the first time probably ever (I won't count the time I took some leftover spray paint from a project and sprayed over rust stains, and got some on the house, which is still there); and, weeding what used to be a garden ten years ago...still never got around to planting grass so every year it is an enormous weed jungle.  Determined to get to the dump and Goodwill too.  I'd say I am cleaning out whatever is under these couches (old frames and whatnot) but that isn't going to happen...possibility of finally moving the shelf from the bedroom to the basement, but that is one of those jobs that to do it you have to do like three other jobs with it so alas, that probably isn't going to happen either! Number one job- some time with my kids!  Have a date with her to do some college shopping, don't wanna wait til everyone else is doing it (unfortunately by then I am pretty much back at work) and want her to get excited and maybe it will inspire her to behave all summer (I can wish)!  I would love a night on the deck with a fire in the chimnea but alas, this is Maryland, where we go from 40 degrees to 85 degrees and no nights in between for such things, unless you want to roast yourself!

"The Sound of Silence" Day 21

Would you want to know that it was going to be the last time your child would ever nap with you or you would be able to hold them close whenever you wanted when it happened, knowing you will never get it back the same way as when they were little?

As crazy as it was, would you give anything for an hour of that right now?

Reverence- Day 18

Things may not have worked out for me and him, but I do maintain a reverence for the fact they have another sibling whom they love very much, and who doesn't understand why they don't all always live together.  She is one of the blessings to come out of a sad situation.  My children have made me proud in that they respect traditions and make effort to spend time with different members of their immediate and extended families.

Thing

"It Was a Dream"- Day 9

People seem surprised when I tell them I passed my FACS (Family and Consumer Sciences) Praxis...I guess that is not what they see me teaching. People seem surprised I want to go "back to the classroom,"  but I never left the the classroom to get out of the classroom- I left because I loved mentoring teachers and a position was created that sounded fascinating. For a while there I considered administration, and completed the certification, but didn't want it bad enough to pursue any and all openings and in our county that is what is expected; I also am not trying to work 12 hour days.  It never happened for me and that was ok.
For the past four years I kept telling my daughter, "I want to be Mrs. X when I grow up," speaking of her FACS/CD teacher in high school.  The more I read about passion, hope, and engagement I realized I can be that, and went the Praxis route only because I have a Master's and an additional certification, I don't need more degrees to do a great job.  Finding a job, even with some great recommendations, is going to be near impossible because of the fact I am coming from elementary, but it won't stop me from trying.  Teaching Child Development at the high school level has always been a dream,so this year I decided to add the certification, and it would be such a great way to find a change and do something I am passionate about as I finish out my career.  At the high school level there aren't many FACS positions open, as many are moving toward more STEM related courses.  I agree and disagree- I think we have so many kids growing up in households that lack someone teaching them all of the basic skills for cooking, caring for others and themselves, managing money...I am just not sure how that will work out.  Maybe we will have a STEM successful generation that eats out and has housekeepers and accountants.  Doesn't mean I won't keep pursuing it, there are a few left out there.

"Goodnight"~ Day 29

For me it is never "goodnight" until I know they are home.  Sometimes I doze off and then wake up, so a rule is either tap my door or text that you are home so that when I awaken I know you are there.  Then I just hope there are never good nights for them...sneaking out because they know I will never know as long as they are quiet...and I can only hope they use their good sense and rules and what they have learned over the years about drugs, drinking, and driving with either.  Losing one of them is my biggest fear in life, and because it happened to someone I know when I was 19 and she was 16, the fear is far too real and people have no idea...to this day I admire her parents as they have stayed together and gone through life after that horrible night, I remember so many parts of that week in such detail.  Sometimes I feel bad that I am overprotective, especially considering how liberal I am, but I have never gotten over that night (I am talking I knew to the day what day my daughter would officially have outlived her life).  I don't know why.  Neither did my therapist lol.  I still say, "good morning" and "goodnight" to the kids every day; I am not sure how that is going to work out with her gone in five months.

This has been on my refrigerator for YEARS (after I had saved it for years) and was required reading for kids when they got their license, though they joke that they have read it 1,000 times because it is by the toaster and they had to wait for toast and would read it...it encompasses my fears and hopes they think, and it is hard when you already see more discipline and willpower in certain ones of your kids than others.  I know that when I say, "goodnight," they have no idea how deeply it affects me, and it has nothing to do with cordiality.  Peace xo.

"Rooted"- Day 22

From "Africa hot" summer days to mid-winter mini-blizzards I am rooted here in Maryland.  I'm struggling more than I thought I would be with sending my firstborn off to college, I love just knowing she is home.  We are talking about "our" ten year plan and where we want to be, knowing that by then they will all be (at least just about) out of college...we are pretty sure it isn't here.  Thinking about how to get "there" is tough, an overwhelming amount of planning when planning for college too.  But, waiting til next year to plan won't be an easier, because we will be planning for college for another.   Then another, then another...and by then all of a sudden it is a four year plan.  I know kids love to have their childhood home to go back to with their own children- I have grown up with that.  He bought his childhood home and lived in it for a number of years.  My kids are my very soul.  Guilt.  Sister nearby, brother nearby, parents nearby...did I say guilt?  I just don't see myself here in ten years. Some days I find myself motivated to purge when I think about where I want to be and what I won't need there. My children will always have a home, because home is where we are together.  I can't plan around that, because what if they go away and decide not to settle back "home"?  I find  myself caught between wiggling my own roots loose as I ponder a significant career change and sending children away, thinking about where their roots will lie, and honestly...hoping maybe they want to come too, just within an hour or so?

"Look Up"- Day 20

"Look Up"

This group probably has no idea how I look up to each of them and the challenges they have endured or overcome to land where they are today.  They are my incredible siblings and cousins.  Divorces, special needs children,  teenagers, medical and law schools and the subsequent loans, psychological issues, gay and lesbian acceptance, master's degrees, marriages, miscarriages, layoffs, furloughs, 15 children and four stepchildren, a life ending and changing car accident, the absence of one of us from a tragic death, successful businesses, political activists, caring for aging and ailing parents, waking up and going forward on days when you just don't think you can.  Never settling, always reflecting, always growing.  Looking up to our own parents for advice and models, realizing we need to be that for our own children.

I have to say that Facebook has been great if for no other reason than to see my "NC family," regardless of where they live now, every day.  It lessens the miles and grows the connections and has helped us to get to to know each other as adults.  I look up to each of them for the challenges they have faced, whether by choice or not, and the ways they have grown and endured.  It will be up to us to carry on Grandma's dream...I know we can do it! Peace and love xoxo.

Day 11- "Life Is..."

...a day late and a dollar short?  Ok, this time I am just a day late, but I will be a dollar short soon because I am getting ready to pay for college- so busy with that financial stuff then chilling with "him" that I forgot to update here.  Ok...so life is...

meant to be slowed down and enjoyed.  There will never be enough hours in the day.  There will never be enough time with those you love.  There will rarely be things that can't wait until tomorrow.    I am going back to a book I read a while ago...it really is so true!  Sometimes I forget, and it is something I am trying to be more true to; I do well with the fourth one; the third one I try hard to do, especially at home, but I am not sure they see it, but that is ok- I have confidence the kids will look back and think that is just what you are supposed to do as a parent because it is what they saw.  I've gotten better with number one- hard at work because I am a 1:50ish ratio, and everyone's needs are usually of the moment and important, but I am trying; have definitely gotten better at home.  We work hard to meet each of the six where they are, so if it means devour NFL to spend time and have something to talk about with one, I do it.  If it means, "Can you help unload the dishwasher?"  while I happen to be in the kitchen, just so we can chit chat, I do it.  Two hour texting sessions?  Do those too.  Arranging family afternoons then cooking my brains out so it is choreographed in such a way they can all just hang out- done!  Where am I lacking?  That #2- PLAY.  Fabulous at home with it, but am gonna have to ponder how to make it work at home.  My BFF in the picture above doesn't know it but she is a master of all in her personal life, and I am pretty sure she is at work as well.  

What is The FISH! Philosophy?

The FISH! Philosophy includes four simple, interconnected practices:

Be There: When people need you, they need all of you. Setting aside distractions and judgments to be fully present is a sign of respect. It improves communication and strengthens relationships.

Play: You can be serious about your work without taking yourself so seriously. Play is a mindset more than a specific activity. It allows you to throw yourself with enthusiasm and creativity into whatever you are doing, in a way that is natural, not forced. "Playing” with ideas helps you find solutions to everyday challenges.

Make Their Day: Simple gestures of thoughtfulness, thanks and recognition make people feel appreciated and valued. When you make someone else feel good, you feel good too.

Choose Your Attitude: To actually choose how you respond to life, not just react, you must be intentional. When you get up, decide who you want to "be" today. Moment-to-moment awareness is key. Ask yourself throughout the day, "What is my attitude right now? Is it helping the people who depend on me? Is it helping me to be most effective?"

Through The FISH! Philosophy, we build stronger relationships with the team members we work with, the customers we serve, the students we teach and the people we love.

http://www.charthouse.com/content.aspx?nodeid=22610

I hope at the end of 2014 that I can say life is simplified, for many reasons, from clutter to navigating college to sending  my baby off on her own to cancer being that much closer to gone...peace xoxo.

Day 8- "Silent"

I think every mother knows that if you had known that it was the last time you would experience such a sweet silence you would have made it last longer.  I don't think I would have wanted to know, but there are days I would just love to make them small and and hold them so close again.  They are my heart and soul.