Prayer- Day 1- month 7

It's not something I really do, but whatever vibes I have or whatever they are go to my mom who is having a cyst biopsied- they anticipate it's benign; a friend getting a cancer treatment plan in place; a young woman I know that is leaving all of the end of senior year fun & leaving for the Navy, & that my stepson doesn't bail on our trip to stay home with his girlfriend (she's welcome to come), as dad can count on less than one hand how many vacations he's been allowed with him in 20 years. Things changed when he turned 18 & made decisions himself, again when cancer hit, & now again with a girlfriend in the picture. 

"Longing"- day 15

Longing for  few nights away with him with few worries; I would say "no worries" but when one of  your children has cancer that is never the case.  Very ready to plan our usual summer vacation, but have to be flexible because we just don't know where things will be in two or three months...hopefully looking good and feeling strong!

Day 23- "Seek Wonder"

This view makes me seek wonder in many ways, as it is from the Pediatric Oncology Unit at JH in Baltimore.  I wonder everything from why cancer is so f-ed up with so few answers and so many questions and complications.  I wonder how families do it with no insurance or little support.  I wonder about the disparity in incomes in such a small area, Baltimore goes from poverty beyond poverty to excess beyond excess in a matter of blocks and minutes.  How does it continue to be accepted by so many people.?  How do you break the cycle of poverty?  I am forever seeking these answers and told that I can't save the world, but if every one of us sought to help one person break the cycle could we make a difference?  Problem is, too many people don't seek wonder that would be to the benefit of others, we are an egocentric world, many of us with our own problems that others can't see.  For today I am hoping these oncologists seek wonder to continue solving this mystery and find answers as to why we have a child back here admitted for the second weekend in a row, needing another blood transfusion, and hope that people continue to seek wonder for answers that will make a difference to others.  Peace xo.

Day 16- "Words to Live By"- Month 2 (a day early)

This post is coming a day early (it can make up for one of my day late ones...), because tomorrow I will be on the road for college visits if we are able to stick with Plan A, and a visit to a very special aunt (&, this song could apply equally to that branch of extended family, who is so far away but so near and dear to my life every day, they are my reason for Facebook and even Pinterest keeps me in touch with what is special to them), and I am thinking later today is going to be busy thanks to ALL and all that comes with it.

This past summer we purchased tickets to go see John Mayer, with all of the kids plus two significant others- ten in all.  It was a total chance, as we weren't sure M would be healthy enough to go because of the leukemia.  John Mayer is his favorite, as he has a love of guitars.  It was meant to be something for him to look forward to, as theoretically if all went as planned he would be well enough to go.  Well, it worked out, by about a day, relief of post chemo nightmarish headaches, and he could go He was weak, and he was tired, but he allowed others to help him along, from getting there in time to rest and sit pre-show, to using the customer service golf cart to take him to his seat and back.  His father got to give him this gift, and though the original plan was us 8, dad selflessly bought two more tickets in the lawn so that M could bring his girlfriend, so we used the other to bring a boyfriend.  We took the lawn so the kids could be together.  M was asleep not long after he left the parking lot, but giving him the gift of that night was awesome.  Phillip Phillips was opening.  Two shows in one!  I have always liked this song but it literally brought me to tears as I listened a little more closely to the words and thought about M and the other kids, and us as parents.  It isn't easy being a blended family with kids in four counties and 2 states, and with an 11 year span, but it works, and there are some people who don't see it as valid because we aren't married, but I would challenge them to spend a few hours with them and tell me they still see it that way.  As luck would have it, M has been hospitalized again, on Friday night.  The new daily pill chemo hasn't been friendly- they raised levels on some- and has taken the once a month theory of life will settle down to a whole new level.  This week sucked for him, and a challenge is always is it the chemo, is it run of the mill illness, or do I need to be in the hospital because it is the cancer?  Well, this time it is the cancer.  I know there was a transfusion last night.  Not sure what is going on yet, but hoping for the best and know that he is in the best place possible.  I hate that at 20 he lives in this fear and that is father is notified by a group text after they are already at the hospital, but it is what it is.  The words of this song remind me of this family, our family, who all live in different places but who pull together and on the good days just enjoy one another, and they are the words we are living by as we take this wild ride together and stick by him when it is at it's worst, by the other kids as they are in fear, by all as they simultaneously have triumphs to share amid the chaos that ALL has brought into our lives.  

"Gone, Gone, Gone"- Phillip Phillips

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights, 
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You've always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone.

You're my back bone, 
You're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my head start, 
You're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I've always needed
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby I'm not moving on, 
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

I love you long after you're gone gone, gone.

A Good Day- Day 5, Month 2

"A good day" is a variable term to me, changing as my reference point changes.  For example, it is a no chemo day, so that is a good day.  No school today because of ice, so I know where my kids are at, safe and warm at home, good day. No school also means I can work on my endless list, starting with taxes and FAFSA, so again, a good day.  Yesterday, despite being sick and going to a needless training I got a lot done at work and felt like I helped someone, chemo and counts went well, and I got to spend time with my little dude (ok, he is 15 and towers over me by 4") working on this week's photography project (hint to parents, that is a good class to sign up for if you want to guarantee your teen to spend time with you); again, good day.  Got to cook and have all of the kids around for a few hours, takes good day to great day.  I sincerely believe a day is what you make it; a life changing moment for me was when I truly embraced that at all times I had two choices in how to react, and I learned to not be so impulsive, presume the best intentions and realize I don't know what people are dealing with privately at any time, so just trying harder to choose the positive choice as often as possible.  I really see that my son has embraced that attitude, and I think my daughter too.  I keep waiting for horrible teenage years, but really all I get is the occasional snippy teenage daughter attitude and nine times out of ten I can let it go and let her go be her snippy self.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like next year when she goes to college- I hope it will be seeing her blossom and succeed and that I won't be so selfish as to miss her so much I don't have the best days I can; I am not a crier by any means, and I cry every time I think about her leaving.  At the same time I am so excited for her and going through this journey together has been brought many good days- acceptance letters, visits, talking about options. I am afraid for when she is gone and doesn't  have a good day and I am not there to help her, but I know that is part of letting her go and learn.

The dichotomy around here with regards to this "good day" idea is huge.  "He" says he won't have a good day until at least April 2016 when chemo is over and remission is confirmed.  I can't blame him.  He doesn't like to talk about it but I know it consumes him.  For him a good day is so different than what it is for me.  I have faith that one day he will be himself again, but I wonder, because there will be a forever fear of recurrence.  Some days I know that the best I am going to get out of him that he can call a good day is just chilling with me, often not doing much of anything...just blocking out the world.  At the same time, he can get so hateful toward everyone and everything that son with cancer or not, I tell him he is going to have to go be in his foul mood elsewhere, or I will go elsewhere, because it doesn't help, it isn't going to take away the situation, it only adds stress.

Sadly, my heart is breaking for a very special aunt, whose husband probably won't make it past this week, as well as my two cousins.  The way they put their family first is nothing short of inspiring, and I can't help but think that this generation of cousins is all going to be there sooner vs. later.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like then, but I know it will be redefined.

May you find your peace in your heart and serenity in your life today...xo.

Day 11- "Life Is..."

...a day late and a dollar short?  Ok, this time I am just a day late, but I will be a dollar short soon because I am getting ready to pay for college- so busy with that financial stuff then chilling with "him" that I forgot to update here.  Ok...so life is...

meant to be slowed down and enjoyed.  There will never be enough hours in the day.  There will never be enough time with those you love.  There will rarely be things that can't wait until tomorrow.    I am going back to a book I read a while ago...it really is so true!  Sometimes I forget, and it is something I am trying to be more true to; I do well with the fourth one; the third one I try hard to do, especially at home, but I am not sure they see it, but that is ok- I have confidence the kids will look back and think that is just what you are supposed to do as a parent because it is what they saw.  I've gotten better with number one- hard at work because I am a 1:50ish ratio, and everyone's needs are usually of the moment and important, but I am trying; have definitely gotten better at home.  We work hard to meet each of the six where they are, so if it means devour NFL to spend time and have something to talk about with one, I do it.  If it means, "Can you help unload the dishwasher?"  while I happen to be in the kitchen, just so we can chit chat, I do it.  Two hour texting sessions?  Do those too.  Arranging family afternoons then cooking my brains out so it is choreographed in such a way they can all just hang out- done!  Where am I lacking?  That #2- PLAY.  Fabulous at home with it, but am gonna have to ponder how to make it work at home.  My BFF in the picture above doesn't know it but she is a master of all in her personal life, and I am pretty sure she is at work as well.  

What is The FISH! Philosophy?

The FISH! Philosophy includes four simple, interconnected practices:

Be There: When people need you, they need all of you. Setting aside distractions and judgments to be fully present is a sign of respect. It improves communication and strengthens relationships.

Play: You can be serious about your work without taking yourself so seriously. Play is a mindset more than a specific activity. It allows you to throw yourself with enthusiasm and creativity into whatever you are doing, in a way that is natural, not forced. "Playing” with ideas helps you find solutions to everyday challenges.

Make Their Day: Simple gestures of thoughtfulness, thanks and recognition make people feel appreciated and valued. When you make someone else feel good, you feel good too.

Choose Your Attitude: To actually choose how you respond to life, not just react, you must be intentional. When you get up, decide who you want to "be" today. Moment-to-moment awareness is key. Ask yourself throughout the day, "What is my attitude right now? Is it helping the people who depend on me? Is it helping me to be most effective?"

Through The FISH! Philosophy, we build stronger relationships with the team members we work with, the customers we serve, the students we teach and the people we love.

http://www.charthouse.com/content.aspx?nodeid=22610

I hope at the end of 2014 that I can say life is simplified, for many reasons, from clutter to navigating college to sending  my baby off on her own to cancer being that much closer to gone...peace xoxo.