Month 12- Day 1- 11 Days Late- "Make a List"

That moment you get the text from Verizon Wireless saying you are over on data for the second time this billing cycle so you pull the stats & the list by line says it all...teenagers...

                                                                

Day 23 - "Clarity" (and one month until he and I go away and two months until she leaves for college!)

You learn with time and experience...unfortunately few of us are born with it, and sometimes we still struggle with it, but it will be at the heart of it...

Day 3- Month 3- "Return"

"Return"

driving them around

playing games, family meals

teens who talk with you

So many people don't seem to realize that it is pretty simple, make the effort and you will see the return.  Maybe not every day, but they will be more open and realize you are there, even when you don't want to hear it but need to hear it.  You as the adult hold the power to set the limits and set the expectations and limits, to be accountable to that they know they can come to you.  A little bit of follow through goes a long way with teenagers.  Yes, they can be egocentric and short sighted, but be their coach vs. their ruler or friend and they will amaze you with what they can do.  Learn to offer things so that they make the decision with some coaching, but lay it out as "if/then"- they haven't learned to weigh positive and negative consequences to the degree they think they have. Learn to meet them where they are- they aren't the same child they were five years ago, a year ago, possibly even last month. Invest in them all along and you will get a positive return.

Great NIH Information on the Teenage Brain

A Good Day- Day 5, Month 2

"A good day" is a variable term to me, changing as my reference point changes.  For example, it is a no chemo day, so that is a good day.  No school today because of ice, so I know where my kids are at, safe and warm at home, good day. No school also means I can work on my endless list, starting with taxes and FAFSA, so again, a good day.  Yesterday, despite being sick and going to a needless training I got a lot done at work and felt like I helped someone, chemo and counts went well, and I got to spend time with my little dude (ok, he is 15 and towers over me by 4") working on this week's photography project (hint to parents, that is a good class to sign up for if you want to guarantee your teen to spend time with you); again, good day.  Got to cook and have all of the kids around for a few hours, takes good day to great day.  I sincerely believe a day is what you make it; a life changing moment for me was when I truly embraced that at all times I had two choices in how to react, and I learned to not be so impulsive, presume the best intentions and realize I don't know what people are dealing with privately at any time, so just trying harder to choose the positive choice as often as possible.  I really see that my son has embraced that attitude, and I think my daughter too.  I keep waiting for horrible teenage years, but really all I get is the occasional snippy teenage daughter attitude and nine times out of ten I can let it go and let her go be her snippy self.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like next year when she goes to college- I hope it will be seeing her blossom and succeed and that I won't be so selfish as to miss her so much I don't have the best days I can; I am not a crier by any means, and I cry every time I think about her leaving.  At the same time I am so excited for her and going through this journey together has been brought many good days- acceptance letters, visits, talking about options. I am afraid for when she is gone and doesn't  have a good day and I am not there to help her, but I know that is part of letting her go and learn.

The dichotomy around here with regards to this "good day" idea is huge.  "He" says he won't have a good day until at least April 2016 when chemo is over and remission is confirmed.  I can't blame him.  He doesn't like to talk about it but I know it consumes him.  For him a good day is so different than what it is for me.  I have faith that one day he will be himself again, but I wonder, because there will be a forever fear of recurrence.  Some days I know that the best I am going to get out of him that he can call a good day is just chilling with me, often not doing much of anything...just blocking out the world.  At the same time, he can get so hateful toward everyone and everything that son with cancer or not, I tell him he is going to have to go be in his foul mood elsewhere, or I will go elsewhere, because it doesn't help, it isn't going to take away the situation, it only adds stress.

Sadly, my heart is breaking for a very special aunt, whose husband probably won't make it past this week, as well as my two cousins.  The way they put their family first is nothing short of inspiring, and I can't help but think that this generation of cousins is all going to be there sooner vs. later.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like then, but I know it will be redefined.

May you find your peace in your heart and serenity in your life today...xo.

"Look Up"- Day 20

"Look Up"

This group probably has no idea how I look up to each of them and the challenges they have endured or overcome to land where they are today.  They are my incredible siblings and cousins.  Divorces, special needs children,  teenagers, medical and law schools and the subsequent loans, psychological issues, gay and lesbian acceptance, master's degrees, marriages, miscarriages, layoffs, furloughs, 15 children and four stepchildren, a life ending and changing car accident, the absence of one of us from a tragic death, successful businesses, political activists, caring for aging and ailing parents, waking up and going forward on days when you just don't think you can.  Never settling, always reflecting, always growing.  Looking up to our own parents for advice and models, realizing we need to be that for our own children.

I have to say that Facebook has been great if for no other reason than to see my "NC family," regardless of where they live now, every day.  It lessens the miles and grows the connections and has helped us to get to to know each other as adults.  I look up to each of them for the challenges they have faced, whether by choice or not, and the ways they have grown and endured.  It will be up to us to carry on Grandma's dream...I know we can do it! Peace and love xoxo.

Take Flight!

Diagnosis heard

Leukemia was a shock

Need a new flight plan

We are a blended family who took flight in June of 2009.  To say that our six shared children integrated to become a family far more easily than we ever thought could happen is an understatement.  We took our time, and choreographed situations so they could get to know each other on their terms with shared experiences.  In January of 2013 we were thrown when we found out the second oldest, his son and a college freshman, had leukemia.  The other 5 kids selflessly made the accommodations needed to allow his father to be with him as much as possible, and to do what we had to in order to include their "brother from another mother" and meet his needs.  For better or worse, being with "him" has been the best flight ever, with some turbulence, and yes it came with baggage, I just had the power to choose what I took at baggage claim, and I can say that I got all of the gifts he brought that day and let the rest sit on that carousel.

My Summer Pinterest Project!

C'mon, you know we all had at least one! I Modge Podged me some letters and managed to hang the photos within half an inch of accurately...I need to swap out one photo ( the one with Santa) but that was some user error on cropping the beach photos too much to enlarge, so I went with a "stock" photo.  Each child was supposed to have their own, but one of them didn't have a presentable solo picture because he was hamming it up non-stop, and I love the one of ~him~ with his oldest son so there you go!  This was the first time we had all six for a week and the first time the oldest son had spent this much time with dad in years, not by dad's choice.  Turning 18 has been liberating and I will stop this story there.  To other blended families, have faith it will get easier because regardless of how challenging another parent can make it the kids know who cares and supports them, and when it comes to the point they get a real say and the courts don't have to be involved we have two that have spoken loud and clear about who they consider their family.  Our kids have truly embraced the idea and we know the nuclear family was the ideal we all started with and hoped for, but when life didn't work out that way we really think we have a good thing here all around!  Counting the days until our New Year's trip to the Outer Banks, and hoping the oldest two don't get better offers before then!

The Music Never Stopped

What would you do for  your child?  Just watched this movie and it was a good one...makes you think about what role we as the adult have in making those connections with our teenagers before it is too late...meeting them where they are at.  It is something I believe in, and something I have witnessed the past year or so as *he* struggled with the high school senior son who was perpetually busy with work, girls, friends, school...namely teenage life. *He* was also dealing with some things personally and as a couple with me.   All a challenge as the non-custodial parent.  It took some coaching to help him see that he needed to meet his son halfway, instead of getting upset that he couldn'teasily  have him all day on a Sunday anymore.  What resulted has been the growth of a man to man friendship this year...a father and son but also two men getting to know each other on a new level.  Now they both plan for a dinner date 2-3 times per month,sometimes alone, sometimes with me, sometimes with friends, and while we still have family time this new thing that is theirs has solidified their relationship as he prepares to leave for college in two months, and has helped dad realize he is still dad, and perhaps his son has had the chance to see just what he will continue to do in order to be there for him through every stage of his life. 

All of us parents need to stop and ask ourselves every now and then if we are reaching our kids and just being there for them, where they are...not necessarily where we wish they were.  One day they won't be egocentric teens anymore and they will look back and remember all that wewere for them.