"Bright"- Day 9

We lucked into the bright shiny Christmas tree in the lobby of our hotel, where I was able to get a few shots of two of our girls all dressed up and ready to head to the symphony!

Day 26- "2 p.m."

Ready for a 2 p.m. like this & not sitting in or preparing for a meeting!

Two-fer...Day 19- "A Sunny Spot" and Day 20- Rise

Missed yesterday with good reason, spent the entire day with family preparing for and celebrating my parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary, NC style.  Was technology free most of the day...yet so glad that because of technology- basically Facebook- I "see" this family all of the time, it definitely keeps us closer and more connected.

My sunny spot was getting to spend so much time with my family, I wish we all lived closer, even the family here.  Real life and kids at different ages and stages make it hard to spend enough time together.  It rained much of the party, which really put a damper on some of the outdoor fun like picnic tables, white twinkly lights, and bales of  hay around the fire pit.  My dad worked so hard to prepare...but I think a good time was still had by all even if it meant jackets and most of the party indoors.  My dad inherited his grandmother's house and has spent a lot of time the past couple of years fixing it, updating it, making it a place for he and my mom to stay when they go down there.  They are able to go more often now, as their stream of grandchildren for daycare has slowed down.  We thought a country house party was the perfect way to celebrate, as that is where it started for them and most of the guests, out in the country outside of Grantham, N.C.  My kids got to meet my mom's best friend from high school, which was a treat.

As for "rise..."- ever spend a Sunday on I-95 N?  In particular on a holiday that is the last day of spring break for pretty much all northerners thanks to our snowy winter?  I have had the pleasure...so, we got the kids up and were on the road at 6:45, so grateful they pulled it together (I mean, all they had to do was wake, brush teeth, eat a bit and get into the car, ideally without talking much since it was so early).  We made it home in record time- 4.5 hours (we thought the 5 down was good, but home bound was one gas/bathroom stop, and no stops for the boys' car).  So happy to spend the afternoon at home doing nothing.  Would love to get a pedicure if they are open but there is no way I am putting in the effort to drive two minutes, not leaving this couch except to eat and go to bed!  Dinner is one I can hardly take credit for, but I will...leftovers of this recipe (below)- you would be surprised how well it freezes, and tastes with chips!  Comfort food!  Hint- you may need to add a little chicken broth if it is too thick after defrosting; I think mine was thick because I froze it with rice in the same bag, so freezing it alone is probably recommended.  However, we had "Scoops" chips so the thickness worked well for us.

Easiest Mexican-ish Chicken Ever

"Goodnight"~ Day 29

For me it is never "goodnight" until I know they are home.  Sometimes I doze off and then wake up, so a rule is either tap my door or text that you are home so that when I awaken I know you are there.  Then I just hope there are never good nights for them...sneaking out because they know I will never know as long as they are quiet...and I can only hope they use their good sense and rules and what they have learned over the years about drugs, drinking, and driving with either.  Losing one of them is my biggest fear in life, and because it happened to someone I know when I was 19 and she was 16, the fear is far too real and people have no idea...to this day I admire her parents as they have stayed together and gone through life after that horrible night, I remember so many parts of that week in such detail.  Sometimes I feel bad that I am overprotective, especially considering how liberal I am, but I have never gotten over that night (I am talking I knew to the day what day my daughter would officially have outlived her life).  I don't know why.  Neither did my therapist lol.  I still say, "good morning" and "goodnight" to the kids every day; I am not sure how that is going to work out with her gone in five months.

This has been on my refrigerator for YEARS (after I had saved it for years) and was required reading for kids when they got their license, though they joke that they have read it 1,000 times because it is by the toaster and they had to wait for toast and would read it...it encompasses my fears and hopes they think, and it is hard when you already see more discipline and willpower in certain ones of your kids than others.  I know that when I say, "goodnight," they have no idea how deeply it affects me, and it has nothing to do with cordiality.  Peace xo.

March Day 14- "Shimmer"

So lucky they shimmer in their own way, every day! <3 them both!

Day 3- Month 3- "Return"

"Return"

driving them around

playing games, family meals

teens who talk with you

So many people don't seem to realize that it is pretty simple, make the effort and you will see the return.  Maybe not every day, but they will be more open and realize you are there, even when you don't want to hear it but need to hear it.  You as the adult hold the power to set the limits and set the expectations and limits, to be accountable to that they know they can come to you.  A little bit of follow through goes a long way with teenagers.  Yes, they can be egocentric and short sighted, but be their coach vs. their ruler or friend and they will amaze you with what they can do.  Learn to offer things so that they make the decision with some coaching, but lay it out as "if/then"- they haven't learned to weigh positive and negative consequences to the degree they think they have. Learn to meet them where they are- they aren't the same child they were five years ago, a year ago, possibly even last month. Invest in them all along and you will get a positive return.

Great NIH Information on the Teenage Brain

March- Day 1- "Verdant"

Yes, I had to start by looking it up; I figured from the "ver" that it had something to do with green, but checked anyway...and found the definition to be a bit ironic and timely in my world...

ver·dant

  [vur-dnt] 

adjective

1.

green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass: a verdant oasis.

2.

of the color green: a verdant lawn.

3.

inexperienced; unsophisticated: verdant college freshmen.

So, here is a photo that emulates all three uses of the word...and it happens to be one of my favorite photos, my only regret is that I didn't have my new lens yet and I am now learning to use it/play with it.  This was shot at Nassau Valley Vineyard near Rehoboth Beach, DE, a very beautiful winery with good wine too (trust me, I bought enough so that no one minded us using their grounds, but I don't think they minded anyway).  I will see if I can find as many opportunities to use this new word this month (see, this 365 thing is increasing my vocabulary!)!

My verdant daughter surrounded by verdant ivy growing up a verdant trellis!

Day 10- "Radiant"

radiant

jamie and my mom

dynamically light a room

beyond radiant

A Good Day- Day 5, Month 2

"A good day" is a variable term to me, changing as my reference point changes.  For example, it is a no chemo day, so that is a good day.  No school today because of ice, so I know where my kids are at, safe and warm at home, good day. No school also means I can work on my endless list, starting with taxes and FAFSA, so again, a good day.  Yesterday, despite being sick and going to a needless training I got a lot done at work and felt like I helped someone, chemo and counts went well, and I got to spend time with my little dude (ok, he is 15 and towers over me by 4") working on this week's photography project (hint to parents, that is a good class to sign up for if you want to guarantee your teen to spend time with you); again, good day.  Got to cook and have all of the kids around for a few hours, takes good day to great day.  I sincerely believe a day is what you make it; a life changing moment for me was when I truly embraced that at all times I had two choices in how to react, and I learned to not be so impulsive, presume the best intentions and realize I don't know what people are dealing with privately at any time, so just trying harder to choose the positive choice as often as possible.  I really see that my son has embraced that attitude, and I think my daughter too.  I keep waiting for horrible teenage years, but really all I get is the occasional snippy teenage daughter attitude and nine times out of ten I can let it go and let her go be her snippy self.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like next year when she goes to college- I hope it will be seeing her blossom and succeed and that I won't be so selfish as to miss her so much I don't have the best days I can; I am not a crier by any means, and I cry every time I think about her leaving.  At the same time I am so excited for her and going through this journey together has been brought many good days- acceptance letters, visits, talking about options. I am afraid for when she is gone and doesn't  have a good day and I am not there to help her, but I know that is part of letting her go and learn.

The dichotomy around here with regards to this "good day" idea is huge.  "He" says he won't have a good day until at least April 2016 when chemo is over and remission is confirmed.  I can't blame him.  He doesn't like to talk about it but I know it consumes him.  For him a good day is so different than what it is for me.  I have faith that one day he will be himself again, but I wonder, because there will be a forever fear of recurrence.  Some days I know that the best I am going to get out of him that he can call a good day is just chilling with me, often not doing much of anything...just blocking out the world.  At the same time, he can get so hateful toward everyone and everything that son with cancer or not, I tell him he is going to have to go be in his foul mood elsewhere, or I will go elsewhere, because it doesn't help, it isn't going to take away the situation, it only adds stress.

Sadly, my heart is breaking for a very special aunt, whose husband probably won't make it past this week, as well as my two cousins.  The way they put their family first is nothing short of inspiring, and I can't help but think that this generation of cousins is all going to be there sooner vs. later.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like then, but I know it will be redefined.

May you find your peace in your heart and serenity in your life today...xo.

Month 2, Day 1...First Things First...

First things first...

My firstborn, who I at times (like all mothers) feel was born last week, is in the narrowing down process for colleges...and this pretty much consumes me- between financial aid applications and scholarship applications and getting taxes completed to qualify for this and that and visiting schools (logged 900 miles these past two days)...my first things first priority is helping her through the process, knowing when to guide, when to let her decide, or when to just tell her...learning to and accepting I have to let go a whole lot, and to not lose focus on the rest our family and our life at home.  

8 o'clock...Day 31

I had the honor of just chilling at a random mall with my 17 year old; just arrived into a new town for a college visit, stopped to stretch and wander a bit while we decided what we wanted for dinner (and being a college town there was an enormous Forever 21 which is all it tends to take with her at times). Friday nights with her are few and far between, and I am just enjoying it while I have it...and looking forward to 8 o'clock in the morning when we will pack up and head out for lattes and to visit the school before heading back on our 7ish hour journey home.

Time and New Habits

I will catch up here on days three and four together, first up, "time."  Here is where I will mention "him."  Time with him is my serenity; he makes me laugh, he irritates me, he talks with me, but most of all the time spent with him I find myself full of contentment.  He spends hours with me in "the green chair," watching tv/movies, reading, laughing.  I used to think content sounded like settling, like good enough.  I know now that true contentment is something so deep down and that few are probably lucky enough to find, it is the gift of being in the moment in the very place that I am.  Satisfied.  Not needing more.  Planning for the future, but not at the expense of that day.  Having the privilege of falling asleep with him every single night, a precious time of day I look forward to every night. Time is what you make of it, and that can be a powerful tool when you exercise it.  Time is where you can find your serenity (note picture below, you too can budget and plan so you have time to lay here and watch the sun set with your serenity).

It does lead into day four's "new habits" theme.  My daughter working through the application to colleges process is forcing me to establish new habits, of saving, of learning the ins and outs of colleges, of looking ahead at my financial future.  I've been successful the past years at moving money into an account for college, but I recently realized that, "I've been teaching twenty years!" also means "I've been teaching twenty years and can retire in ten, at which point all kids will be out of high school, and we can look at options to move and try something new!" Looking at colleges has opened my mind to new geographical areas.  I've been grounded here, no lie- I live 25 mins. from my sister and parents, 45 from my brother, lived at home in college and haven't ever made a bold move like moving to a new city hundreds of miles away.  But we are talking about it...a new habit that these realizations has brought us to- talking about a future beyond being parents, making lunches, getting to sports games...starting that map that is going to keep us in our serenity, together...and discussing what we habits we have to include to get us there (Note: Online shopping, because I despise stores, is greatly impeding this habit, so another new habit is going to be limit that, maybe every purchase I DON"T make but want the money goes into a savings sub-account for that move!).

My Most Favorite Poem

I am drawn back to this poem time and time again, and it speaks to me differently every time.  I share it all of the time with other women friends when they are going through things, because I know that it will speak to them too...and it is all things you learn through life...I've seen different titles but I think this one is correct.

Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns

if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

that you really are strong

and you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

with every goodbye you learn...

1971 by Veronica A. Shoffstall