"Taking Care"- Day 18

The stress of sending a child to college might kill me. I still see little evidence of her taking care of things without reminders, and I am afraid she won't prioritize on her own, realize the amount of effort that will have to go into studying- no blaming the bad teacher or bad test- but accepting it and figuring out if the teacher is bad then how will she learn the material, and if this is the type of test then how am I going to pass it. Love her so much and at this point I feel like she thinks I am the enemy. I think she wants to be gone so bad that she is going to go and I am not going to hear from her much and it literally breaks my heart. I've promised myself I will not bother her, which I pretty much do just by existing at this point (though she isn't bothered when I am spending hundreds on her dorm stuff). Knowing you won't be missed is just a sad feeling and something you have to accept, and that you have become pretty much an inconvenience, and a place to sleep and eat when convenient, even worse. Knowing no matter how you try to meet her where she is it doesn't last, when you have high expectations she thinks you are difficult, when you try to teach what responsibility is as an adult she is furious to be called irresponsible and blames something else and says you don't understand, gets angry and shuts down from you...responsibility at 18 and about to be on your own is far different from at 14, 16, whatever. I miss when I was allowed to help take care of her and she didn't think it means I think she cannot do it. That isn't the case; but, I know her and know that some coaching goes a long way to help her, if she would stop and let me.I don't tell her what to do unless she has had the opportunity to do it and did not on her own. Love her too much sometimes...