"Over and Over"- Day 28

He. Never. Gets. Old.

Kissing him over and over is what makes it better and better.

Probably TMI but whatever...

"Every Heart a Song"- Day 27

I named her for my favorite Van Halen song. Lo and behold she was a crier, so it was fitting, as colic was a huge challenge since her father worked at night. I got lucky...my "go to" musician in life had just released an album of lullabies, but many were rock songs turned to lullabies. Linda Ronstadt was my first concert, my first album, and can't think of something I have been through when a song of hers hasn't been on repeat since I was a child. Now, due to the ugliness of disease, she is left unable to sing and is ailing quickly. If you never had the privilege of hearing the tribute to her at this past year's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony you need to stop and watch and listen, as these talented women represented an icon who couldn't represent herself for her induction. Incredible how one musician can be so much to so many people. This is one of the medleys, but there were some individual acts as well.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Tribute to Linda Ronstadt

"One of Us"- Day 26

In working with a family the past two weeks I have been trying to help "Mom A" get linked with services via "Mom B"; it is proving to be a challenge and exemplifies all that is wrong with certain systems and protocols. "Mom A" pretty much trusts no one and has limited time given she is a bus driver with three children and a grandchild, and just lost her mother who was also living with them; the father of at least two of the children is incarcerated. She is not in a place to make calls and figure out what to do, but she is close with "Mom B" and trusts her, and has allowed her to reach out to me because Mom B trusts me. I in turn, with permission of Mom A, whom I've never met, reach out to the people who we are told will support students, and get kickback because none of the children go to our school any longer (irrelevant, they support cluster schools, and I'm not sorry the parent of former students trusts me over teachers where her children have been for four-five weeks). End result? Tell her she needs to call the counselor at one one of the schools. I told Mom B that this is what I was told, and she doesn't think Mom A will reach out...just getting Mom A to say please give my number to the appropriate people was a huge step. End result? It will be another family going without available and highly needed services all because of alleged protocol (you can't tell me the call couldn't have been made and they couldn't have filled out the paperwork together). Yet another reason I may not last until that 30 year retirement date, growing more disgusted by the day. In the meantime all I can do is give Mom A's son as much as I can, which will never meet the needs they have, as she doesn't know where they will live without her mother's income. I feel like I'm losing another one. At the end of the day they are a part of our community, whether they are still in our school or not, and she is a mother with hopes, dreams, fears and limitations, just like the rest of us. Sometimes the paperwork needs to be put aside until that much is remembered. 

Day 25- "Murmur"

Ok...so much for being ahead...but I will still get in 365! 

Mostly

Unheard

Remarks

Maybe

Unspoken

Really would have been a better choice

Sometimes some people just cannot stop themselves...

"Shivering"- Day 24

Me. Year round. Always with an old bed comforter on when lying around the house. Usually his feet are on it when he is in our "green chair" & I have to make him lift them to get it. This weeknd he asked me to come sit with him& had already moved it to "my" spot. Small but very sweet gesture that he was paying attention & sincere. The stupid things that can make your day...

Day 23- "Surprise Me"

Found out that a month from today a special girl in my life is coming home for the weekend and what she has asked for is to spend Saturday with me & my kids like we used to! Not sure yet if my kids know- she's surprising her brother - hopefully she's told my daughter because that will be hard to keep quiet as to why she has to spend the day with me & her brother!

p.s.- found out my kids can know...so much easier that way!

Day 22- "Before Eternity"

I want my children to have loved and been loved. To have experienced the joy of holding your own child. To have found success in whatever they want to do, not just contentment in something that works. I want them to find a reason to laugh every day, and to be kind in all  that they do. I want them to never know hunger or great need but to understand their role in getting to where they want to be. I want them to fully grasp the importance of heritage and generations of extended family. I want them to respect themselves and their bodies, and everyone they meet. I want them to learn from their mistakes and help others when they make mistakes. I want them to know what is real, and what is made to look real. I want them to make their own real lives, true to themselves.

...figured I might as well get a day ahead...

"Crumple"- Day 21

Children should be able to trust their parents above all others.

Reality is that  is often not the case and it is not

Until tragedy occurs that we realize that 

Mom or dad is the enemy, hiding right there in plain sight.

Parents with problems- psychological, physical, economical, the list goes on,

Leaving us to ask ourselves as a society how could we allow children to 

Ever be at the heart of a search that started in the hands of their mother?

The other day I passed two teams on the side of a major highway, searching for these children in the brush and in a storm runoff pond. My heart literally crumpled & it literally took my breath away. I can't fathom how that family is feeling. At the same time it is hard not to be cognizant of the fact the mother is someone's daughter, who turned out to suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. How devastating do you think that diagnosis was, and what did they go through to get there? Where is  the fine line between someone is being treated and they can be relied on to take medication and raise children, and becoming judge and jury and deciding she cannot be alone with her children?How do we know whether she is playing the police as people accuse? Is she even capable in this mindset? Or does she know exactly what she did? Sadly it is a case that will most likely always have more questions than answers. How many more Jacob and Sarah's will have to know the love and pain of a mother who can't control that she can't be trusted?

Day 20- "Unexpected Kindness"

I will never understand why people live any way but kind. There just isn't any reason not to. It is the simplest concept yet the most challenging part of the day for so many people. Try it, it doesn't take much & it just might help your cynicism (I wonder why you think I want to be around your negativity & why you are so weak that you must fight everything). No need to self-promote it either, just do it because you can & because it is right.

"Inside Me"- Day 19

The  older I get the more true this becomes, as I feel trapped in a career that  I cannot escape from to go out and try my own thing...the necessity of security outweighs the satisfaction of taking that chance...yet I'm often wondering if I took that chance would it be the smartest choice I ever made?

"Constellations"- Day 18

My first tattoo is one I won't say I regret- that does no good, but it was picked from "stock photos" because I just didn't know how to search and ask for something custom. I love my second one, my own design, of my children's signs intertwined. I love this Gemini tattoo and if i could have a do-over on #1 would start with it as the base, adding in the Celtic zodiac Hawthorne branches I have now. just a little smaller & simpler...

Day 17- "Look Back"

I was soooooo awkward in middle school, & high school too- I'm convinced I joined the crowd I did because it's easy to fit in with the more rebellious misfits - in the end I'm glad I did, I learned to be me and be ok with me. 

Proof of awkward- who orders & wears the entire Mork outfit to school? That would be me....

"Handful of Light" -Day 16

                                           

Day 15- "Slow Dance"

so. far. behind. Sometimes life is like that. Let's try this again...

In five years we've not ever danced, but I love him with all of my heart!

"Life Is..."- Day 14

Absolutely perfect when the kids are here and football is on. I feel so very lucky.

Doesn't hurt when the Redskins are going to win!

Day 13- "Let Go"

So much to be said for letting go and looking forward, especially if that is where you want to go!

Day 12- "Hold Tight"

Day 11- ""Prepared"

Of course no one is. What makes life so special is also what makes it so terrifying.

Day 10- "We Keep Growing"

I know it is a repeat but I don't care, I see it differently every time I read it & somehow it always brings perspective.

Day 9- "Sacrifice"

Maybe it was meant to be that I went from a day ahead to two days behind, as this seems more appropriate today. It was captured in a way that words cannot say

"Heartstrings"- Day 8

Going to get a day ahead because I saw the prompt & thought of my girl who just left to go back to her new home at college. It was awesome to see her even though it was short. I'm reminded of that song "I Hope You Dance," I want her to have fun but make smart choices, and see that the world is hers...she definitely tugs at my heartstrings as she hovers between college student and knowing home will always be home.

video- "I Hope You Dance

"Wind Down"- Day 7

One of my favorite things about him is that we can do nothing at all & be so content. I adore him & when I'm mentally and physically worn down time winding down to nothing more than extreme sleep is heaven. I sometimes wonder how people do it when they've been with someone for so long & they pass away, I got him so late in life and want 40-50 years together. He is my serenity who has made sure I have no reason to doubt that I'm his too. xo

Day 6- "Starry Night"

Am I the only one who reads novels with little literary value except it is a good story, then spends time looking at how I can visit (live in?) St. Tropez or Italy and enjoy starry nights on the blue sea with wine, good cooking, no stress & of course my love? My starry nights this week consist of back to school night, a football game, pick up from practice three nights & probably transportation to the varsity game, and while St. Tropez on a flowery balcony sounds divine, I'm happy hear with my starry nights. So lucky to be in love with my family. 

"To Love Is"- Day 5

...to learn to meet each child where they are at so that their needs are met but you don't go crazy, even when you feel like you might. To go to work to support them while feeling you should be home taking better care of housekeeping & errands. To find interest in topics that engage them in what they want to talk about, and having more than surface level interest, as they know. To accept that two hours can be better than a week sometimes. To find a way to say "yes" as often as possible, in a way that makes their lives easier, not spoiled. To feel satisfaction from serving a home cooked meal, not a fancy one, knowing all they see is you took care of them. It is being there, being present, being open, putting them first  every chance you can. To be a mom is to love. xxooxxoo

                                                     

"Look Up"- Day 4

Three people that I admire for different reasons are literally fighting for their lives because of blood cancer. I watch them walk through this world every day, still working, going to school, doing every day things, all the while knowing their life hangs in the hands of chemicals & doctors & a lot of luck because cancer is so vicious. i look up to them and to those close to them who I know are terrified but do the same thing they do. What else can you do? Two are getting ready to undergo some hardcore treatment, & it is a helpless feeling  to know you can do nothing, for me it is striking the balance between taking things off their plate while making them feel useful & use their strength to put focus where it belongs. I'm grateful that these two allow that, there's no awkward tiptoe around & not talk about it, we are straight up you do/I'm doing/just handle it. I know it has been humbling all around.

"Whisper"- Day 3

A whisper in the morning...that moment you round the bend & the fog has magically & suddenly lifted...

                                        

"Lush"- Day 2

My parents have created what can only be called a lush family oasis. There is nothing they like more than when we can all gather. As a mom I understand it more now, because it is so hard for "us 8" to find common time. It is in no way an "I don't love you" on the part of me when I don't come or on my own children when they don't. Life doesn't afford us as many opportunities as it should. Needing the weekend to rest vs. play just doesn't seem right. It is things like this that have me rethinking what I do every day. The mental exhaustion. The lack of flexibility. The feeling I'm trapped for 8  more years because of pensions etc. That reason alone is why I don't want my own daughter to become a public school teacher. Summers off? Not so much, hard to afford that. Even if I could, what about the mid-year long weekend off when the rest of the world isn't traveling, or a week when airfare is better? Nope, not without a guilt trip & "payback." Some day I hope to retire & have time to create my own lush oasis for my family, & I hope they don't over plan their lives & work in a trapped job where they can't visit more often. Mine are 30 mins away & I struggle because the kids are all busy & usually on the weekends I'm exhausted. It is getting to be time to make some definite changes before I miss it all.

Month 9- Day 1- "Fluid"

                                                               

One thing for certain about cancer is the fluidity of worry- is the treatment working? Will it all come back? How much will this cost out of pocket before we are finished? What happens when he is too old to be on his parents' insurance but is still in college because it was delayed from the cancer? He has come so far, but there is so much further to go- this will never end for him. It will be like the oceans of the world, surrounding him with darkness and fear in it's depths, but him taking each wave as it crashes, each riptide when he gets caught, and enjoying the beauty when he can. But, cancer is as fluid as the ocean, we cannot stop it or tame it, the best we can hope for is to make it safe and never leave him stranded alone on the shore or in the dark depths.                                
 

Day 31- "Embrace"

While he is gone this week I hope he won't forget me and how it feels when we embrace, that trust continues to grow, that I am enough...not because he has to for the family, because he doesn't, but because he wants just me. He doesn't realize how much I doubt because he won't say it because he doesn't say those things, he thinks they are implied, but history tells a different story. Three years may be ages ago to him but yesterday to me. He doesn't get that 1-2 compliments on how I look/year isn't enough, that he's never said he thinks I'm beautiful or pretty, that I know he loves me but not why (says he knows and that's what matters)- I'm supposed to know by how he treats me daily, which is kind, gracious & like his best friend, always kissing me goodbye. He grew up in a home where you don't talk like that. He sweetly sends "songs of the day" often, but if he feels these things I want to hear it from him, not a song. Sometimes I wonder if in the end that will be enough. Until then I am left to analyze every embrace & hope.

Day 30- "Steam Rising"

Love a man who isn't afraid of grilling in the rain...the steam rising from the grill up to my bedroom window, luring me down for burgers!