Last Day of Month 2- "Leap..."- Day 28

It makes me think of the leap of faith when I met him.  No one had made me feel that way in ages, if ever.  We decided about 3 1/2 months in that he would move in the next month; the place he was living was being sold and it was that or a year lease somewhere...and I guess we both knew we didn't want to wait a year.  There was a learning curve...sometimes there still is...but I cannot imagine life without him next to me and without these kids as a family.  Sometimes you just have to make a decision, hold onto each other tightly, and take that leap...

"Mitten Strings"- Day 27 (a day early, making up for a day late earlier this week and a busy day tomorrow!)

Wow, this is sort of where I am with life...where I have to let my baby go but she is still so attached, she wants to be out there alone but just as much I think she wants to know she is still attached.  She picked her college this week, and it was a surprise, but a pleasant one to say the least.  She will have her own place, but won't be very far from home...and I will never let her get lost...

                                        
   my side of the mitten (my baby) (I'm getting better now that --->)       her side of the mitten

Day 23- "Seek Wonder"

This view makes me seek wonder in many ways, as it is from the Pediatric Oncology Unit at JH in Baltimore.  I wonder everything from why cancer is so f-ed up with so few answers and so many questions and complications.  I wonder how families do it with no insurance or little support.  I wonder about the disparity in incomes in such a small area, Baltimore goes from poverty beyond poverty to excess beyond excess in a matter of blocks and minutes.  How does it continue to be accepted by so many people.?  How do you break the cycle of poverty?  I am forever seeking these answers and told that I can't save the world, but if every one of us sought to help one person break the cycle could we make a difference?  Problem is, too many people don't seek wonder that would be to the benefit of others, we are an egocentric world, many of us with our own problems that others can't see.  For today I am hoping these oncologists seek wonder to continue solving this mystery and find answers as to why we have a child back here admitted for the second weekend in a row, needing another blood transfusion, and hope that people continue to seek wonder for answers that will make a difference to others.  Peace xo.

Day 26- "Sweet Light"

Unedited- behind "his" parents' house on Christmas night, the sky really was these colors.  Phenomenal moment in time.

"Left Unsaid"- Day 25

to him it's the past

to me not a day goes by

when my mind forgets

 



"My Favorite Things"- Day 24...and a day late...

From our "rogue" Mexican afternoon...my favorite things include times that are not planned, and just seeing what happens...



"A Room of One's Own"~ Day 22, Month 2

         

Ok, so it was only our own room for four nights, but it was beautiful...a bit ostentatious but compliments of his employer for a job well done for their team, so who are we to say no?  In my dream world we would have a little balcony off of the bedroom, with a bed to lay on with complete privacy...oh and you might notice wine paid for as well.  It is the antithesis of the types of places we travel together, we tend to be more a la carte than all inclusive.  With the exception of a slight mudslide incident (ok, he might beg to differ and think of it more as The Great Mudslide Incident of 2012...) it was good food with a great guy, and now if we ever went again we know more what to expect in a place like this.  Our best time was still probably when we overpaid for a cab to the shabbier (aka the not resort) part of town and found a little outdoor dive bar and just walked around solo...much more our style and who knows, maybe next time a room of our own in that part of town.

Two For Tuesday- Day 17

Day 17..."Once Upon a Time"...

Day 18..."I have a dream..."

Over 1500 miles, 3 overnights, over 26 hours in the car, and I feel like she is no closer to a decision on a college, she has a pros and cons list going and is opening her mind to options I wasn't sure she would, I am hoping after this week's visit to the last on the list will get her to start narrowing it down...problem is it will take time for her to go back and learn even more about each one, to really think about those classes, etc...stay tuned!

Day 21- "Balm for the Soul"

When I think of balm I think soothing and comforting, and soul is deep within...I often tell "him" he is my serenity.  Except when he is acting in a way that made my son tell me the song "True Love" reminds him of us because he spends half his life irked at someone or something.  I don't get it but I also don't tend to let it get to me.  So, in no particular order...the things that just make my soul feel the best would be...

This not my favorite picture of myself but one where he is obviously cracking himself up...but he is my serenity.

So is the very little bit of time I get with cousins and NC family, there is nothing like it!

& our Maryland kids...nieces and nephews included!  

There. just. never. is. enough. time.

But they are all balm for my soul when I do get to.  So maybe the true balm for my soul is my family.  If only I could fit them all into one of those little egg shaped lip balms and bring them out when I have time...

There are a few girls in my life who do the same thing, even though I don't see them enough...hmmm...now I feel like we are narrowing it down to anything that isn't work :)...I just know I am lucky!

Day 20- "Good Fortune"

Dirty dishes- means we ate. Piles of laundry- means we have clothing. Dirty salty cars- means we have transportation. Piles around the house- means we have a roof over our head. Loud children- means I know where they are & what they are doing. Rush hour traffic- means I have a job. Chaotic work days- means I'm succeeding. So many good fortunes...

Day 16- "Words to Live By"- Month 2 (a day early)

This post is coming a day early (it can make up for one of my day late ones...), because tomorrow I will be on the road for college visits if we are able to stick with Plan A, and a visit to a very special aunt (&, this song could apply equally to that branch of extended family, who is so far away but so near and dear to my life every day, they are my reason for Facebook and even Pinterest keeps me in touch with what is special to them), and I am thinking later today is going to be busy thanks to ALL and all that comes with it.

This past summer we purchased tickets to go see John Mayer, with all of the kids plus two significant others- ten in all.  It was a total chance, as we weren't sure M would be healthy enough to go because of the leukemia.  John Mayer is his favorite, as he has a love of guitars.  It was meant to be something for him to look forward to, as theoretically if all went as planned he would be well enough to go.  Well, it worked out, by about a day, relief of post chemo nightmarish headaches, and he could go He was weak, and he was tired, but he allowed others to help him along, from getting there in time to rest and sit pre-show, to using the customer service golf cart to take him to his seat and back.  His father got to give him this gift, and though the original plan was us 8, dad selflessly bought two more tickets in the lawn so that M could bring his girlfriend, so we used the other to bring a boyfriend.  We took the lawn so the kids could be together.  M was asleep not long after he left the parking lot, but giving him the gift of that night was awesome.  Phillip Phillips was opening.  Two shows in one!  I have always liked this song but it literally brought me to tears as I listened a little more closely to the words and thought about M and the other kids, and us as parents.  It isn't easy being a blended family with kids in four counties and 2 states, and with an 11 year span, but it works, and there are some people who don't see it as valid because we aren't married, but I would challenge them to spend a few hours with them and tell me they still see it that way.  As luck would have it, M has been hospitalized again, on Friday night.  The new daily pill chemo hasn't been friendly- they raised levels on some- and has taken the once a month theory of life will settle down to a whole new level.  This week sucked for him, and a challenge is always is it the chemo, is it run of the mill illness, or do I need to be in the hospital because it is the cancer?  Well, this time it is the cancer.  I know there was a transfusion last night.  Not sure what is going on yet, but hoping for the best and know that he is in the best place possible.  I hate that at 20 he lives in this fear and that is father is notified by a group text after they are already at the hospital, but it is what it is.  The words of this song remind me of this family, our family, who all live in different places but who pull together and on the good days just enjoy one another, and they are the words we are living by as we take this wild ride together and stick by him when it is at it's worst, by the other kids as they are in fear, by all as they simultaneously have triumphs to share amid the chaos that ALL has brought into our lives.  

"Gone, Gone, Gone"- Phillip Phillips

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights, 
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You've always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone.

You're my back bone, 
You're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my head start, 
You're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I've always needed
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby I'm not moving on, 
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

I love you long after you're gone gone, gone.

Day 15- "Childhood Bedroom"

I can't imagine why I look so excited- is it the fact I have to wear mouse ears for a picture?  Or that mini me has on the same ears and turtleneck and is copying me...again!  Or is it that I am a visionary and realize that one day we will look back at that plaid wallpaper and wonder WTF was someone thinking?  That was our bedroom, circa 1975.  Cathy Quick Curl had lost her curl by this point, and apparently no one had taught me how to style that cowlick yet (that is such an awkward word, by the way).  We had bunk beds with matching- you guessed it- gold! bedspreads (Sears I am sure, circa 1974- those thin ribbed so not comfortable ones).  These colors were prevalent throughout the house and wardrobe.  Funny thing is, now most of my glasses aren't new, new ones bore me, I scour secondhand shops for a more vintage style- 1970s greens and golds (though I am partial to the greens).  It probably wasn't too many years later when I got the room next door, aka "my brother's room"; it was red, white, and blue, with a touch of silver, same bedspread, but in navy, lovely masculine oaky furniture, but it was mine.  He had moved downstairs to a new room to do whatever teenage boys in the 70s did.  At some point he moved out, mini me moved downstairs, and I back into the original room; my dad said I could pick the color, and I wanted gray.  Gray carpet and paint, with a mauve comforter (yup, early 80s).   My mom still hates that I wanted gray, found it depressing.  Guess what color I painted my room last time around?  You got it- gray, with black and white accents.  Again, maybe I was a visionary and didn't know it!

Day 14 - Month 2- "Heart/Head"

He without a doubt has control of both, whether I like it or not.  It scares me, and he knows it.  Some days my head is my own worst enemy, some days it is my heart...most days they work together to give love.  It would be so much better if others were always open to receiving that love, both in their heart and head; no matter how much we talk or don't talk, there is no way to ever truly understand the experiences that have shaped one's heart and mind before you got there.  I can only hope we want the same things, and that as we grow older I will feel more certain.

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Day 13- "Connection"

There is nothing like a good 'ol mid-Atlantic snowstorm to connect neighbors and family members...from helping to shovel each other out (even when you may speak but twice a year) to teaching your sons how to shovel (as well as shovel etiquette, if you live where it snows you know what I mean, like considering where you throw your snow, the rules on taking someone's shoveled out parking spot, helping elders/those that you know would have a harder time...).  The more fun are when we are connecting by time together inside, but again, there is a fine line between a little time to connect and bordering on going batshit crazy if they don't do something besides play video games!  The amazing part is how teens can do nothing for hours when they have something they need to do, but are bored when given the time of nothing to do.  Here is today's family connection, brought to you by the overnight/morning snowstorm that hit Maryland:

Day 12- "5 Senses"

Words not needed? I love to touch it in particularly at Mangi e Bevi, it is our go to wine and is so good with their food, especially their bread. I love to see it, taste it, smell it, hear it pouring into my glass. & now I just had the most random thought of the day as I wrote that, Faith No More's "Epic"~it a great 5 senses song :)!

 Can you feel it ,see it, hear it today?

If you can't, then it doesn't matter anyway

You will never understand it 'cause it happens too fast

And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass

It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright

It's so groovy, it's outta sight

You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet

But it makes no difference 'cause it knocks you off your feet

You want it all but you can't have it

It's cryin', bleedin', lying on the floor

So you lay down on it and you do it some more

You've got to share it, so you dare it

Then you bare it and you tear it

You want it all but you can't have it

It's in your face but you can't grab it

It's alive, afraid, a lie, a sin

It's magic, it's tragic, it's a loss, it's a win

It's dark, it's moist, it's a bitter pain

It's sad it happened and it's a shame

You want it all but you can't have it

It's in your face but you can't grab it

What is it?

It's it

What is it?...

Day 11- "I Believe..."

We are fixin to get a lot of snow...AGAIN!!!

So long ago...blizzard four years ago!

  Happy the kids have been raised where they get these times, but believe I am going to be ready to move in the ten year exit plan!

Day 10- "Radiant"

radiant

jamie and my mom

dynamically light a room

beyond radiant

"Write the Darkness"- Day 9

"Point of No Return."  If I am watching that movie by choice (vs. stumbled upon it) or listening to the soundtrack I am in darkness.  Crazy thing is I may not see it til I get there, but then it just hits that something has to change.  Thankfully life isn't so dark anymore.  It has been a long time since I watched that movie alone in it's entirety.

Day 8- "Awakening(s)"

My son took this photo last week; he is in Photography 1 as his "fine art."  Not necessarily by choice but the best of his options.  It is interesting because he knows nothing about it and is having to put in more effort than he does in his Physics with Algebra class!  I am using the opportunity to work with him and have some 1:1 and learn more about my camera, and I am experiencing a double awakening here...1- He just doesn't see it creatively.  He is very literal. 2- He is having to learn how to respond to a challenge; it is a good thing for him, and I have to walk that fine line between doing too much, coaching, and letting him figure it out.  The good thing is with each success he realized mom knows something and once he sees it he succeeds.  Last week was "motion"; this week is "lines."  I am simultaneously working to challenge him to not settle for minimum requirements.  Just because you only need 8 in each category, you cannot take just 8, you should take 28 and have options to work with and improve.  We have 4 months more to learn together!

"Blank Page"- Day 7

Well I could write nothing and play it off that it wasn't purely I was so busy I forgot, but that seems too easy.

(No) Blank Page

no delete option

so many mistakes in life

editing saved me

Month 2, Day 6, Connect The Dots...

So many people don't quite understand our family, and when you view the graphic below and try to connect the dots I can understand why.  "He" likes to refer to those in purple as our inner circle, the ones who matter.  These kids have no shortage of family, love, opinions, resilience, obligations, and models of what does and doesn't work.  We really think we have done a good job overall in blending into a family, and it shows in the way they make time for us and for each other.  I know they keep in touch through the week outside of us, and I love it, and there is always someone who can help solve a problem.  We work a little harder to connect the dots and bring balance and consistency, but it comes with the territory.  I think it is clear we haven't given up and I have no doubt that we've reached a point where there won't be so many slashes along the way, or us or for them as adults.  Clearly it wasn't plan A, but now it is our everything.

A Good Day- Day 5, Month 2

"A good day" is a variable term to me, changing as my reference point changes.  For example, it is a no chemo day, so that is a good day.  No school today because of ice, so I know where my kids are at, safe and warm at home, good day. No school also means I can work on my endless list, starting with taxes and FAFSA, so again, a good day.  Yesterday, despite being sick and going to a needless training I got a lot done at work and felt like I helped someone, chemo and counts went well, and I got to spend time with my little dude (ok, he is 15 and towers over me by 4") working on this week's photography project (hint to parents, that is a good class to sign up for if you want to guarantee your teen to spend time with you); again, good day.  Got to cook and have all of the kids around for a few hours, takes good day to great day.  I sincerely believe a day is what you make it; a life changing moment for me was when I truly embraced that at all times I had two choices in how to react, and I learned to not be so impulsive, presume the best intentions and realize I don't know what people are dealing with privately at any time, so just trying harder to choose the positive choice as often as possible.  I really see that my son has embraced that attitude, and I think my daughter too.  I keep waiting for horrible teenage years, but really all I get is the occasional snippy teenage daughter attitude and nine times out of ten I can let it go and let her go be her snippy self.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like next year when she goes to college- I hope it will be seeing her blossom and succeed and that I won't be so selfish as to miss her so much I don't have the best days I can; I am not a crier by any means, and I cry every time I think about her leaving.  At the same time I am so excited for her and going through this journey together has been brought many good days- acceptance letters, visits, talking about options. I am afraid for when she is gone and doesn't  have a good day and I am not there to help her, but I know that is part of letting her go and learn.

The dichotomy around here with regards to this "good day" idea is huge.  "He" says he won't have a good day until at least April 2016 when chemo is over and remission is confirmed.  I can't blame him.  He doesn't like to talk about it but I know it consumes him.  For him a good day is so different than what it is for me.  I have faith that one day he will be himself again, but I wonder, because there will be a forever fear of recurrence.  Some days I know that the best I am going to get out of him that he can call a good day is just chilling with me, often not doing much of anything...just blocking out the world.  At the same time, he can get so hateful toward everyone and everything that son with cancer or not, I tell him he is going to have to go be in his foul mood elsewhere, or I will go elsewhere, because it doesn't help, it isn't going to take away the situation, it only adds stress.

Sadly, my heart is breaking for a very special aunt, whose husband probably won't make it past this week, as well as my two cousins.  The way they put their family first is nothing short of inspiring, and I can't help but think that this generation of cousins is all going to be there sooner vs. later.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like then, but I know it will be redefined.

May you find your peace in your heart and serenity in your life today...xo.

"What we inherit..."~ Day 4 Month 2

As long as it is any part of them, I don't care what I inherit.  My parents are the most supportive, generous people I know.  I had to laugh when recently my nephew saw a commercial for the "Grammy" Awards and was confused about why they gave an award to a Grammy.  They were challenged at times and they are still here; there are so many things I regret saying or not saying.  I see my mother in my daughter and I love that.  

Interestingly I see in "him" his parents, and he knows it.  Sometimes it can be a real challenge, because he too inherited their best, but also some of the older world ways that are very different than how I was raised.

It will be interesting to see what our children inherit, being children of divorce but also children of blended families that are sincere and working and supportive.

"Be Still"- part 2

Being as this is how my entry into work went- 

It is just one more reason I'm over MD & the weather watching & a job with no flexibility in schedule...I am ready to be still - not necessarily where this picture was taken but not too far off either...

"Be Still' - Day 3

Be still- it's what the four kids are at home since schools are closed today for what has only been rain...& what the snowplow is down the street from my work...wondering if Puxatawney Phil might be more accurate than local weather watchers these days? 

Month 2, Day 2...Shadow Play

Shadow Play

the sun was setting

soon night would fall on the Gulf

Siesta Key fun

Love this picture; from far away they are but shadows exuberant in the sunset, but closer up you can see the the unbridled joy of a great day at the beach.

Month 2, Day 1...First Things First...

First things first...

My firstborn, who I at times (like all mothers) feel was born last week, is in the narrowing down process for colleges...and this pretty much consumes me- between financial aid applications and scholarship applications and getting taxes completed to qualify for this and that and visiting schools (logged 900 miles these past two days)...my first things first priority is helping her through the process, knowing when to guide, when to let her decide, or when to just tell her...learning to and accepting I have to let go a whole lot, and to not lose focus on the rest our family and our life at home.