Day 31 Month 3..."Spring Fever"

"The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month."

Henry Van Dyke

"Full" - Day 30

Full is what I want my family to feel tonight! Making our favorite meatballs- I double it & freeze some (cooked)- then I have a fast semi-homemade dinner on a work night. He is traveling Monday- Friday so I wanted his last night of home cooking to be one of his favorites. It'll be a great warm home cooked meal to go with the snow- again (I admit - it is beautiful & I will take it over the blustery rain all morning). The only hitch in my plan is that my baby girl has the stomach virus & is far from full - her meatballs will be waiting for her tomorrow & I hope she will be up to it. Enjoy the recipe - nothing fancy (I don't do hot sauce & usually go a little lighter on the crushed red pepper) but my family loves them!

"Goodnight"~ Day 29

For me it is never "goodnight" until I know they are home.  Sometimes I doze off and then wake up, so a rule is either tap my door or text that you are home so that when I awaken I know you are there.  Then I just hope there are never good nights for them...sneaking out because they know I will never know as long as they are quiet...and I can only hope they use their good sense and rules and what they have learned over the years about drugs, drinking, and driving with either.  Losing one of them is my biggest fear in life, and because it happened to someone I know when I was 19 and she was 16, the fear is far too real and people have no idea...to this day I admire her parents as they have stayed together and gone through life after that horrible night, I remember so many parts of that week in such detail.  Sometimes I feel bad that I am overprotective, especially considering how liberal I am, but I have never gotten over that night (I am talking I knew to the day what day my daughter would officially have outlived her life).  I don't know why.  Neither did my therapist lol.  I still say, "good morning" and "goodnight" to the kids every day; I am not sure how that is going to work out with her gone in five months.

This has been on my refrigerator for YEARS (after I had saved it for years) and was required reading for kids when they got their license, though they joke that they have read it 1,000 times because it is by the toaster and they had to wait for toast and would read it...it encompasses my fears and hopes they think, and it is hard when you already see more discipline and willpower in certain ones of your kids than others.  I know that when I say, "goodnight," they have no idea how deeply it affects me, and it has nothing to do with cordiality.  Peace xo.

"Makes You Smile"- Day 28

I'm definitely the kind of girl who laughs at a funeral...can't understand?  Well you soon will...I don't mean to laugh at the wrong times.  Or at the inappropriate.  & I wish so often I could say what I am thinking out loud...like these...

And, I love the crocs...they have always cracked me up and my son was too young to be looking at the book I had but he got the humor, which was so funny, so we used to read one or two together before bedtime and just laugh at the crocs and their antics.

Day 27- "Hero"

 

I can't fathom how it feels to have my own child have cancer.  I know how much it sucks that his does, but what he feels every day is something I just don't know.  The anger, the compassion, the fright...all while working full time and going out of his way to still be the dad the other two need.  His kids live 45 mins away one way, and one is 45 mins away the other way, so it isn't easy.  He gets so frustrated trying to balance it all, I am not even sure he sees that all of his frustration is because he loves his kids so much and wants to give them what he can, which is hard when you are not living with them full time.  He doesn't want to be just a check each month.  He has had to learn new skills to deal with the cancer and with teenagers, and it may take multiple attempts but he gets there, and I see him become a better father every week for one reason or another. The world would be such a different place if every father embraced their responsibility and went out of their way to be a part of their children's lives.~xo

Day 26~ "The Kitchen Sink"

                                 

Timely that this was the topic, since this is what I came home to...so I am just going to smile and say I am grateful for food to serve to my child and her friends, grateful for my child and that she has friends, grateful we have the means to keep food fresh and have choices in what we eat from many different stores, eat in, carry out, whatever...and grateful that it will still be there when she gets home tomorrow and she will be cleaning it up. xo

Day 25- "Scent Memory"

Coffee. Seriously often the best part of my morning. Opening a new box of K-Cups and smelling them makes me want to go to sleep so I can get up and drink more!  So many comforting feelings and thoughts associated with morning coffee I don't know where to begin...he can actually tell you exactly where I have had the best lattes of my life just because of the location's ambiance- one of the sweeter things he has ever done is take me to Rehoboth almost purely so I can have coffee on the boardwalk- overlooking the ocean- & off season with few people around. Morning coffee on the couch with him is the best though. Please just know if the Keurig breaks we have an immediate crisis!

I would be remiss to not add two scent memories so many my age will relate to- we didn't grow up with entire stores full of sprays & lotions & potions promising you will smell like an apple orchard or a Malibu beach or midnight in Paris. We hoped that on Christmas or a birthday we would open one of these two fine scents...& I can still smell them in my mind. Boys just won't ever understand, nor will our daughters who chose to smell like a breezy coconut plantation today....

Wishing you peace, smiles & no black ice today.

Day 24- "On the Road"

This past weekend was supposed to be for two, but sometimes that changes because one of the kids needs us to come through for them because someone else isn't.  This weekend led us to a soccer tournament that luckily wasn't far from Kent Island, and that was the closest place to stay.  One of our favorite places to go for an overnight, especially off season.  We got to take one of the kids to one of our favorite restaurants (no, we don't eat out somewhere that expensive regularly...she was beyond thrilled to go to it)- great food and ambiance right on the water.  Dad sprung for the suite on the water that in-season we wouldn't be able to afford, and it gave some privacy to her and her friend who stayed over and then to us early morning (ok, they were not so amused when we returned via the balcony after hopping the balcony rails, but we laughed a lot).  We have friends on the island so we got to go hear some live music for the first set (love it because they go on at 8:30 and we can actually stay awake) with them.  All in all turned out to be a great 24 hours, and a great example of how we tell the kids that in some ways we are equal with all of them, ie. amount spent at Christmas, but at other times we give certain ones what they need at that time (in this case, some nurturing, not being the kid with no parent there, just support), and it differs for all.  The soccer tournament?  Two wins, one loss, freezing cold, but I got to take pictures; I have been note taking settings so I can try some shots out- worked on stop action this time (one I first started trying manually when my son had the photography project).  She loves to see herself that way, esp. when I captured one of her goals!  A few favorites (was really cloudy the first day so those pictures aren't the best)...

 

Day 23- "Make A Wish"

"Get Your Hands Dirty"~ Day 22 of Month 3

Go through Grantham to
Roads that travel to seemingly nowhere
And you landed at her house on a cross street
Not always our first choice of fun but in the summer she had us in the garden
Digging in the dirt for potatoes or
Making sure we picked all of the peas
Awesome memories of an awesome grandmother

XO

"Plans and Projects"- Day 21

It is a real treat for the 8 of us to be together; it happens once in a while for dinner or an afternoon.  It has happened for vacation once, as one child wasn't permitted to spend the night with us until he was 18 and could make his own choices.  That trip was super special for all and gave kids that are siblings and step siblings a chance to bond, and gave a father a chance to have all of his kids for a week.  Three other trips we have had 7 of us, once due to the "under 18" rule, once someone had other plans and once, well...leukemia. This year we had the all clear to go to FL for a week from the doctors at Johns Hopkins.  Plans included being within an hour of a good medical facility and referrals to doctors with all necessary information in hand should we need it.  However, we didn't plan to need it, things were looking up.  Four weeks ago our leukemia child ended up in the ER- and back in for an overnight for a transfusion.  A week later, same thing.  We had gotten an unofficial diagnosis about why, but then his marrow started producing it's own red cells again, slowly but surely.  This scare made our decision to stay semi local- DE beaches, so we are several hours from his hospital, if for some reason he can't come the whole time he can get there for part of the time, and he and dad are especially more relaxed about it.  Now, it can take hours to search for a place with 7 beds (they don't want to share, understandable), a pool table (need something to do for when he especially can't be outside), near the beach, and with a pool.  After much searching we (ok, I) found it...the other kids, while they would love to go to FL, are all being very gracious and say all they care is we all get to go somewhere together (though when I asked if that meant we could do Niagara Falls area I got 6 no, we want the beach...I tried).  It isn't easy to get kids that are 12-15-17-18-20 & 23 (that will be ages this summer) all in one place at one time, so this is exciting.  Hoping for no medical problems to hold him back, and that he and dad in particular can have a relaxing week and time together; I cannot make up for the time they've lost due to his mother's restrictions, but I can try to provide opportunities for memories and fun times.  Maybe he will even just get to be 20 for a week if he is feeling good.  

One good thing is they save us money by being happy to eat in (that way they don't have to come in and get all freshened up by any particular time), and I am  happy to cook.  Makes my Pinterest browsing time more credible ;).  Then, I make a One Note section for the trip, with a page for all information on the home/payments (I use VRBO all of the time and have had a lot of luck), one for meal plans for dinner (what will go with what- plan for 6 and pizza on the 7th), pre-thinking the quick and easy for day one when we get down a little later, one for recipes (copy and paste from Pinterest board), and one for grocery list and bring from home list (I may have issues, because I have admittedly made baggies of herbs/spices etc, labeled, and brought on planes to avoid buying whole containers of things I need 2t. of).  It works for us.  They all basically get to have a great week and I am ok with basically setting up breakfast and lunch and cooking, and I feel they are grateful.  They help when asked (we pondered since there are six of them putting them each in charge of a night of meal planning and prep, just tell us what to buy or we will give you the money to buy, but something between the potential control freak in me and the fear I will eat Kraft Mac & Cheese at least twice & steak & expensive food another two had us thinking maybe not).  

We try not to be overly excited at this point because so much can happen before we go (July), and we know leukemia may get in the way, but I choose to plan looking forward and not talk about it much to dad, who doesn't want to get too excited until we are there and it is happening, which is understandable.  Chemo is expected to go up soon and that always kicks his arse for a bit...but that is life with a child with leukemia.  It is a fine balance to plan for life with that and life with six shared kids...but I got the nicest e-mail from him thanking me for making the plans so he could go and to meet his needs, which is the type of thing that makes all the work worthwhile.

As co-parents we definitely have wondered, but not out loud besides once, because it can get upsetting, if the ALL was there during this trip, and if so, how bad?  The official first symptoms came four months later, and the diagnosis 6 months later.  Keep your fingers crossed for this summer :).

Day 20- "Favorite Words"

conundrum.  date night. family. bedtime. thank you. i love you. 

Day 19- "Turn to the Sunlight"

This is dedicated to a very special girl in my life who dared taking her sunlight away, she doesn't even see it.  She is so beautiful, adventurous, bold and bright, but sometimes life just gets to be too much for her.  Thankfully our sunlight is still here, and I hope next time she is feeling so much sadness that she will let herself find sunlight in someone else before she embarks toward darkness on her own, and succeeds in that journey.  I'm blessed to have her in my life.

Let It Be Me 

when you feel you can't

 go one more day, handle life~

turn to the sunlight

There is no darkness we can't conquer together.

"I desperately want to see the day today and do the best I can not miss a shred of sunlight. It'll be over before I know it."

-Mandy Patinkin

"Planting Seeds"- Day 18

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future”

~John F. Kennedy

I'm putting faith that the journey she is about to embark upon is one that will plant seeds for the future, that she will do something that matters to her and to others, because I do believe that education is one of the keys to planting seeds to a more secure future.

Day 17- "The Stars Make No Noise"

A day late I know...literally over 24 hours spent helping to move a good friend this weekend. She found out Weds. She had to be out in 9 days. Friday she found temporary housing, permanent will be ready in July. What I thought was interesting is that she has so many "friends" who knew she was in this situation~moving- packing-some things in storage-cleaning-setting up a new place...I'm talking friends she goes out with every other weekend, & 4 of us came. Two of us with teens, & even their boyfriends for an hour or two -& we are not the ones she meets for dinner all of the time or parties with...she had 2 coworkers & a girlfriend of one & 2 brothers- one who drove 3.5 hours- & her 80 yr old dad at different times. It was like it just worked out that we cycled in & out with 3 of us there for the long haul. My two kids were too, as they are close with this family who has been through a lot. Really it makes you think about when life throws curve balls/ in this case two extreme ones in one week (leaving the other out but was a big one), who is it that will come through? You just never know who is truly on your team as a friend, who is really just a coworker or acquaintance or party friend, until your life crumbles around you...& you realize it's those cheer moms who are the mothers of your child's best friends, & those team mates at work who showed up...& those teens that gave huge amounts of time over the weekend - voluntarily, because they love your kids  - & they made calls to get a crew of guys who could lift heavy stuff over for an hour when it mattered. You wonder where all of those people are who are in the pictures every weekend, out at dinner, bars, peoples' houses...the ones you perceived as the stars in her life.

"Full Moon" - Day 16

Tell me what you feel in your room when the full moon is shining in upon you and your lamp is dying out,Tell me what you feel in your room when the full moon is shining in upon you and your lamp is dying out, and I will tell you how old you are, and I shall know if you are happy."

~Henri Frederic Amiel 

Henri Frederic Amiel

"A Sign"- day 15

When I received this text from my daughter it was a sure sign she is a senior & has my sense of humor. Love her!

March Day 14- "Shimmer"

So lucky they shimmer in their own way, every day! <3 them both!

"5 p.m."- Day 13 - March

5 p.m. and I am back where I belong- in his arms...so happy he came home today!  5:46 and I am back out and about to fetch a child...but happy to see him too!  So tired, major insomnia from last night's wind and him being gone and the kids being at their dad's; I am almost never home completely alone.  Looking forward to early bedtime just to crawl into bed and read and lay on him.  Wish I was feeling more creative today...but this is the best I can do...even did the lazy way out of dinner and got pizza, just mentally drained from a week of testing round the clock, so many other things to get done at work, and helping a friend through one of the toughest times of her life while balancing things here because he is living the toughest thing of his life every day.  I really am one of the lucky ones.

Day 12- "Write a Letter"

He's not good with words when it comes to emotions & I've never gotten a card in 4.5 years...but we've sent each other "songs of the day" regularly thru the years. My "letter" to him yesterday (he was out of town so got 3 just because)...

Day 11- "Underneath"

Well I could say I feel buried underneath all of the work that I am not getting done because of state testing, or that I feel buried underneath the burden and time that state testing takes, but then I will end up on a rampage about my true thoughts about teaching, learning and assessing...and I probably shouldn't go there.  So, instead, I will keep it simple here...at the concert on Friday Dana Fuchs introduced this song by talking about how people act all hateful and spiteful and sinful, talking about each other, gossiping, whatever...but on Sunday they come together and put on a smile in church, acting like they are "all that, all the time"~ and how great it could be if we all lived like it was Sunday every day...here are the lyrics and video below...because, underneath it all, don't we all want to be happy?  Don't we all have our own battles?  Shouldn't we greet everyone we see with a smile every day, without judgment, as you don't know what they are dealing with underneath it all?

Dana Fuchs- Livin on Sunday video

LIVING ON SUNDAY

MY SKIN IS SOAKED BY THE RIVER RUSHING THROUGH ME THROAT IS DRY, LIKE A RAZOR STUCK INSIDE YESTERDAY I BEGGED A GOD TO MOVE ME I GOT SO HIGH IT HURTS TO CLOSE MY EYES
AND I WANT MORE THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY BUT I’M NOT SURE HOW TO LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVIN ON SUNDAY – I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE
SURE ENOUGH MORNING LIGHT CAME BLAZING LIKE THE HOLY GHOST MADE ME HIS CHOSEN ONE BUT I GOT UP TO NOTHING SO AMAZING JUST ANOTHER DAY WHEN NOTHING WOULD GET DONE
AND I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY BUT I’M NOT SURE HOW TO LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SUNDAY – I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE
WHAT’S THAT SMILE IN YOUR EYES STARING THROUGH ME IS IT A LIE THAT HURTS MY HEART TO NEED I WONDER WHAT IT WAS THAT USED TO MOVE ME IF I HADN’T LOST MY WAY OH WHERE WOULD I BE
AND I WANT MORE…
OH. I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY BUT I’M NOT SURE NOW THAT I COULD LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SUNDAY I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE

LORD I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SOMEDAY I’M NOT SURE NOW HOW TO LIVE ANY OTHER WAY I WANT MORE, THAN LIVING ON SUNDAY I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE OH I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE YEAH YEAH I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE, I WANT MORE LORORE I WANT MORE I WANT MORE

"In the Mirror" - Day 10 of Month 3

An old favorite...

"Sunrise- Sunset"- Day 9

Makes the daily commute bearable...the sun setting behind Sugarloaf Mountain the last few miles home.

"Far Away"- Day 8

Last night I had the pleasure of hearing Dana Fuchs sing- I am in awe. It was a Christmas  gift I had to wait for & it was worth it! Sultry - sexy- funny- timely- relevant - classic- complex, yet simple- go if you get the chance- her lyrics may hit very close to home, sometimes in a dark way, but her voice will take you far away from life for a while. This was at Rams Head in Annapolis.

Day 7- "(Self) Discovery"

So many mistakes as I 
Evolved into what I want to become
Living and loving every day for those around me,
Fills me with more serenity than I ever thought possible.

Do I regret the many times
I wasn't the best mother or role model?
Seeking things in all of the wrong places?
Can say that is a definite yes, but I cannot let it define me.
Only can look forward and live in the present, knowing I
Very lucky to have been handed a second chance.
Even more so to have been offered forgiveness along the way.
Really don't know that I deserved it sometimes,
Yet it allowed me to start forgiving myself and living for my family, which allows me to live for me.

Day 6- "Ordinary Blessings"

just getting to have dinner with all of them...it takes a lot of effort all around to get together for an hour, there is about a two mile spread east to west...but they do it...sometimes so complicated to pull off but so easy to enjoy

Day 4- "laissez les bon temps rouler" & Day 5- "Growing"

friends since they were young

laissez les bon temps rouler

but there when they don't

To know what these kids have gone through, good and bad, and to see how they stick by each other makes me believe it is something that will never change.  

This year we will see the girls graduate and head to college, every time I think I understand the term "bittersweet" it is redefined as my kids grow...this is one of them, I will miss their smiling faces together and just their being right around the corner from each other.

Day 3- Month 3- "Return"

"Return"

driving them around

playing games, family meals

teens who talk with you

So many people don't seem to realize that it is pretty simple, make the effort and you will see the return.  Maybe not every day, but they will be more open and realize you are there, even when you don't want to hear it but need to hear it.  You as the adult hold the power to set the limits and set the expectations and limits, to be accountable to that they know they can come to you.  A little bit of follow through goes a long way with teenagers.  Yes, they can be egocentric and short sighted, but be their coach vs. their ruler or friend and they will amaze you with what they can do.  Learn to offer things so that they make the decision with some coaching, but lay it out as "if/then"- they haven't learned to weigh positive and negative consequences to the degree they think they have. Learn to meet them where they are- they aren't the same child they were five years ago, a year ago, possibly even last month. Invest in them all along and you will get a positive return.

Great NIH Information on the Teenage Brain

March- Day 1- "Verdant"

Yes, I had to start by looking it up; I figured from the "ver" that it had something to do with green, but checked anyway...and found the definition to be a bit ironic and timely in my world...

ver·dant

  [vur-dnt] 

adjective

1.

green with vegetation; covered with growing plants or grass: a verdant oasis.

2.

of the color green: a verdant lawn.

3.

inexperienced; unsophisticated: verdant college freshmen.

So, here is a photo that emulates all three uses of the word...and it happens to be one of my favorite photos, my only regret is that I didn't have my new lens yet and I am now learning to use it/play with it.  This was shot at Nassau Valley Vineyard near Rehoboth Beach, DE, a very beautiful winery with good wine too (trust me, I bought enough so that no one minded us using their grounds, but I don't think they minded anyway).  I will see if I can find as many opportunities to use this new word this month (see, this 365 thing is increasing my vocabulary!)!

My verdant daughter surrounded by verdant ivy growing up a verdant trellis!