A Good Day- Day 5, Month 2

"A good day" is a variable term to me, changing as my reference point changes.  For example, it is a no chemo day, so that is a good day.  No school today because of ice, so I know where my kids are at, safe and warm at home, good day. No school also means I can work on my endless list, starting with taxes and FAFSA, so again, a good day.  Yesterday, despite being sick and going to a needless training I got a lot done at work and felt like I helped someone, chemo and counts went well, and I got to spend time with my little dude (ok, he is 15 and towers over me by 4") working on this week's photography project (hint to parents, that is a good class to sign up for if you want to guarantee your teen to spend time with you); again, good day.  Got to cook and have all of the kids around for a few hours, takes good day to great day.  I sincerely believe a day is what you make it; a life changing moment for me was when I truly embraced that at all times I had two choices in how to react, and I learned to not be so impulsive, presume the best intentions and realize I don't know what people are dealing with privately at any time, so just trying harder to choose the positive choice as often as possible.  I really see that my son has embraced that attitude, and I think my daughter too.  I keep waiting for horrible teenage years, but really all I get is the occasional snippy teenage daughter attitude and nine times out of ten I can let it go and let her go be her snippy self.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like next year when she goes to college- I hope it will be seeing her blossom and succeed and that I won't be so selfish as to miss her so much I don't have the best days I can; I am not a crier by any means, and I cry every time I think about her leaving.  At the same time I am so excited for her and going through this journey together has been brought many good days- acceptance letters, visits, talking about options. I am afraid for when she is gone and doesn't  have a good day and I am not there to help her, but I know that is part of letting her go and learn.

The dichotomy around here with regards to this "good day" idea is huge.  "He" says he won't have a good day until at least April 2016 when chemo is over and remission is confirmed.  I can't blame him.  He doesn't like to talk about it but I know it consumes him.  For him a good day is so different than what it is for me.  I have faith that one day he will be himself again, but I wonder, because there will be a forever fear of recurrence.  Some days I know that the best I am going to get out of him that he can call a good day is just chilling with me, often not doing much of anything...just blocking out the world.  At the same time, he can get so hateful toward everyone and everything that son with cancer or not, I tell him he is going to have to go be in his foul mood elsewhere, or I will go elsewhere, because it doesn't help, it isn't going to take away the situation, it only adds stress.

Sadly, my heart is breaking for a very special aunt, whose husband probably won't make it past this week, as well as my two cousins.  The way they put their family first is nothing short of inspiring, and I can't help but think that this generation of cousins is all going to be there sooner vs. later.  I am not sure what a good day is going to look like then, but I know it will be redefined.

May you find your peace in your heart and serenity in your life today...xo.